Marooned

every now and then I find myslef lost. It is a daily struggle to keep up with life. to be very honest, life itself has been dragging me along for sometime now.

my mind is sullen, broken. so is my heart. either one in a working condition is a must to keep me driving through life. but here I am drifting clueless towards an unknown fate. 

I am not afraid to die. Death would be kind of a liberation. many years ago I told someone my biggest fear was to end up alone. now I am not even afraid of that. I have sucessfully managed to cut of so many people. over a period of time I have become good at it. 

this world seems a very lonely place. even when you are surrounded by people its so empty. maybe having people around makes it worst. 

love is a solution to problems which it own creats. self love is true love indeed. but then intelligence and consciences are like termites eating away into your existence. I can't even believe in the idea of god anymore. 

the real problem starts when you start seeing through people. it creeps them out. no one wants to be around a creep. their secrets are not safe.  

what is darkness ? in simple terms it is unknow, unfathomable. the light can reach only so far. anything and everything beyond light is darkness. 

hope is a vessel which allows us a passage through this darkness. maybe I need more humbling experiences to get my feet to the ground. That is something I really miss. I want to find my anchor.... 

Distraction

I kept staring at the sky, wonder if it was also looking back. The feeling of weightlessly floating is something which is best experienced than described. to be honest most of the feelings are like that. only a person who has experienced a heart break knows how it feels. For someone who has never experienced it, will never know the pain. For them it is a matter of redicule.

As the pain set in, it brought me back to reality. I sense a hand reaching out and lifting me up. I was still wondering what happened, why was I sleeping on the road. I saw my bike at a distance from me. maybe I got into an accident. As I was trying to figure out what could have happened, then I heard someone from the crowd say "She hit you..."

my mind went into a frenzy trying to figure out who could it be. would she go to such an extent to get back at me ? my expressions were possibly a reflection of my mind at that time because some people shiftly moved me to a nearby stall and offered me water. That definately help me gain a part of my sense. though the thought of her was internally killing me. how can someone hate me so much ? what did I do to them ? was this all because of a heartbreak? 

As my train of thoughs continued my eyes fell on a fellow biker who had stopped to check if I needed help. he was still at a distance so I just gave him a thumps up. He understood the signal and went along his way. I had some more water and then had the tea which was specially made for me.  after comine to the stall, most of the crowd has dispersed. the stall owner and his helper were still hovering around me. They also got me a pain killer and oinment to relieve my pain.  

now that I was feeling better my mind came on her. I made a question sign to ask them what happened. They pointed and said, she hit you. She came between you and her baby. I reacted as quickly as I could with all that pain to realize "Holy Cow....!"

Apparently I was brougt down by a cow who was trying to save her calf from harm. for some reason it took me - a biker moving at a slow speed on the side lanes as a threat and had disloadged me off my bike.  I was lucky to take a hit from a cow and still be standing. 

God damn it, why didn't they just tell me it was a cow in the first place....

Fading

I don't see a point in going back to an old place after so many years. I am afraid of what I would find there... or rather what I would not.

it was just an ordinary place which took on a different look at night. It was just a chance finding for me. No one told me about it as no one knew. one day on my way back from a usual cycling round I was forced to stop as the chain had come off the sprocket. It was at this small bridge. This bridge was hardly 10 feet long. it was over a very narrow creek. I must have been over this bridge a 100 times before but never bothered to halt here. but this was all about to chance. It was my usual cycling round, but it was not a usual day. I had been out a bit longer and had gone further. on my return I was paddling through the dark. maybe I would have been afraid if I had been on a different path, but this one was my road home. so, the chain came off as I was approaching the bridge. I could see dim lights form the village near by, but it was really far. relatively I was in the dark. it was a remote village road so the traffic at night time was low. I put my cycle at the side of the road and wokes on the chain.  I was done in less than a minute. I got up and noticed the surroundings. the moon light was bright and captivating. it lite the mangroves plain in a serene way. I just stood there,on the bridge taking in the view. it was the most amazing thing for me yet in matters it got better. 

I was watching over the water slowly strem under the bridge and I saw a tiny light blink. It was such a moment that one would miss it if one would blink. no wonder I never saw it earlier on my 100 odd cycling trips. but before I could write it off as a trick of my mind there was another blink. Then there was another one.  soon enough I so specks of light flying across. I was just spell bound by the scene. it was as if magic had unravelled in fornt of my eyes. earlier I did not see it but now I can not unsee it. 

I has never seen a firfly before. I was a Natgeo and discovery entgusiast so I was aware of their existence. I always believe the only place I could find one was in the jungle. but this was not a jungle. I wad on a state highway. there were human settelments nearby. still here I was in the company of fireflies. 

its been over 2 decades, I don't know if that place exists anymore. I don't know if I will again find a place where I can find fireflies. 

For all practical purposes the answer is no but to keep the hope alive - maybe! 

Cornflakes

I froze in the moment, reminiscing a chilly winter. The white perls falling from the sky. the thrill of first snow, not just of the season but of life. my first snowflake...  then another thought surged through my mind. first I cleared my mind, then I cleared my eyes and read again. is it really what she said ? disbelief loomed for a while. this while could be the smallest part of the smallest part of a second. I was about to say something seemingly wonderful about my snowflake but immediately applied breaks to my train of thoughts. for another nano second I still could not believe she said that.... Just... Cornflakes...

but indeed she was in best of her moods and this was her way of humoring me. I could have gone on and on with this conversation but somewhere I felt myself sinking into a state of despair.  this misunderstanding, the sudden breaking of thoughts left me clueless, searching for words. in the end I took my leave with a promise of writing something. now I am again confused about what would the topic be. should I write about a snowflake as I wondered about it or should I elobrate on cornflakes and how they have changed the breakfast table.

anyways it is a futile excercise. the time has long passed when I used to impress her with my words. she has always been a catch for me. someone I have always wanted but never could have - en enigma, elusive and unknown.  

 

I still remember the day I first met her. It was after persuading for many days that she finally agreed to see me, that too just for a while as she was passing through. She said I could have all the time while she waits for the train to come at the platform. so, there I was on the platform before my time eagerly waiting for her filled with excitment. 

I scanned through each pretty face coming down the bridge. it was not long before I caught glimps of her. She was running down in a hurry. At the same time a train was pulling in, my heart skipped. did she forget me ? but I was chatting with her all this while. how could she not know that I am waiting here for her. halfway down she also noticed me. I really don't remember if she caught me gwaking at her, but she said something and broke my trance. we moved aside as the train came in, I was still wondering if she is going to get on it. at the very moment she said "bye, my train has arrived". I couldn't help myself but give her a dumb look. she just broke out laughing, she was more considerste of me than I thought. she stayed back for the next train and spared some time for me. 

that was my brief zing moment. its odd to be included in a post about cornflakes. but then again, that is life - unfair as it is fair.

The Universe

with me random thoughts are a common phenomenon. For those who know me well, would agree that I kind of take things to a different level. one of my ex manger remarked my thought process to be at 40,000 feet. He found me to be a very difficult person. oddly we managed to work together for about 5 years. That is 1/3rd of my working life. I have many more years to go. anyways I should be coming back to the point of this post.

Philosophy as a decipline imbibe's  thinking on various topics and different methods. In some sections of a society a 'Thinker' is well respected. I am just a mad man from where I come from. here people do not identify thinking as a higher function but just a waste of time. Education played its part in impairing our kind. somehow I have survived this disaster but have been left an outcast.

yesterday I tasked myself to build an argument against a statement which questions the existence of the universe. before I proceed, let me clarify my point of view for the reader here. There is nothing wrong in questioning the existence of the universe. This in fact leads to discoveries. if people in earlier times had not bothered with this question then our knowledge of universe would have been limited. Might not have been there. today we know much more then we used to know a 100 years back. each passing day brings us new information. everyday we receive light from a star billions of light year away, to us which seem frozen in time.

"I don't want to live" - These words ring alarm bells for me. Mental health today is handled far better then back in my teenage. The world has progressed quite well. There are things I can talk about now which I never knew existed. it was also because of the section of society which I belonged. I was just one amongst the many underprivileged souls. I was very naive. I may still be.

anyways, I don't think I will be able to come up with an argument which is solid enough to last. speaking of universe is just too much for me. its kind of overwhelming to think of the role I play in this universe. That kind  that makes me feel insignificant and hence - what is the point of life.

but, universe can also be considered as a dimension. For the sake of argument lets consider that we both existed in a separate universe. Here only you and me existed. so now tell me what do you think about this ?

Morning Vibe - a random thought

if it were not for gravity I would have been lost between the up and down. I have already lost my NEWS to the darkness. The disorientation is temporary and things seem settled down after a while.  

I categorically use the term 'while' to quantify time here knowing the vague nature of it. but I deliberate to leave it to the judgement of the reader on how much a while should be. the context of time is meaningless while talking about self experiences.  Okay, I deliberated again in my use of 'while' in the previous line. That was not my attempt to confuse you but I was just trying check if you are paying attention.

Now that I have your attention we can talk about myself. I will start by saying "I am a god".

Please repeat after me "I am a god". 

yes, wonderful, now that you have said it out loud, let me also repeat  "yes, you are a god". A god trapped in this human shell wandering around this land. 

let go of your desire to hold on and hold on to your desire to let go. was that confusing? are you still with me ? 

This is the best part about writing I feel. it provides freedom to both the writer and the reader.  I can continue to write paragraphs after paragraphs without making iota of sense. but the reader may chose to stop reading immediately after the first line or continue till the very end.

Now that is a choice. but gravity does not allow us to chose. now matter who you are, how heavy or lighter you are - with gravity in affect you will go down. unless you are being propelled by a booster rocket or jets to elevate you. The lesson here is simple - we may have the freedom to chose but our choices can be limited.

The sooner we realise this nature the easier life becomes for us. after all we are god trapped in this shell, governed by this body, a medium to live and transcend.

~ Random Thought

Words

"Words are tools of the technology of language" a random thought I had while walking out of the house. I kept thinking about it on my short ride to office. Words are redundant on their own. They need to be weaved together to make sense, to tell a story, to send a message, to express oneself, to word play. I don't think anyone of us would actually remember the first word uttered by us. Those are usually gibberish which is easily forgotten. baby talk is not classified as a language. it is something made up in our conversation with a baby. This is a language of facial expressions and random sound. It is a trap which very few can resist. the most eloquent of a person would start a conversation with a baby in ridicule. But this is totally acceptable behaviour.

The norms of engaging with words keeps on changing and becomes more and more stringent as we progress from a baby to an adult. The significance of words is more realised in time of need. words hold the power to unit the masses or start wars. yet I have not been wise when it comes to words.  but I do advise people to be careful in using their words. I hope I am bestowed upon by a miracle  which will empower me with enlightened words.