i have no shame in accepting the fact that my mind has succumbed to the desire of my heart.
the heart doesn't see right or wrong, it only knows what it wants and is willing to do what ever it takes to get what it wants. it is only because that the heart cannot see the, mind can creep up from behind and try to restore order.
my life has been a mix of things. but my heart has always gotten what ever it has desired on its due time. the only condition being that the desire has to be pure and only one.
i have been termed stupid, even mad for following my heart. most of the people whom i have asked say "don't trust the heart blindly, it will fail you. use your mind". every time i have used my mind, it has failed me to get what i have wanted. i have realised that i have struggled so far because my heart and my mind were not working in the same direction, for the same thing. so eventually i used to end up losing by both heart and mind.
since the heart never listens, cause it never does, i decided to make my mind work in the direction of my heart . mind only understands logic. it doesnt see a point in the heart wanting to be with someone. but the logic is simple, if the heart is captivated by someone then the mind becomes free from the heart. the mind can think more logically away from the disturbing heart. the problem is that the heart just doesn't want to belong to any one, but it only wants to be with with whom- it likes. doesn't matter if the mind approves of the person or not. heart sees things differently. it only wants someone whom it can belong to, who will take care of it for ever and ever. who will never break it. so where do we find such a person ?
when, where , how we are going to find that someone whom the heart wants are the questions which no one can answer besides the maker himself, cause he is the one who has made that person who will lok after your heart . so if he has made him/her then he is bound to know, but he is not going to tell you. he doesnt want to spoil his joy of seeing you find your match.
every time i have seen her , it has been like i am seeing her for the first time. there have not been many times, only five occasions when i have seen her. at her first sight i have lost a beat , lungs gasping for air. she came close started talking, setting me at ease. may be she didn't notice how awe struck i was or she did notice but never showed. sitting across the table, i was lost. i didnt feel the need to talk, she was doing it for me. her hand was in my hand just for the fraction but that fraction has stayed with me ever since.
in which moment of time my heart belonged to her i dont know. but its too late for me to turn back. unfortunately there is no way to move ahead. her heart has already been taken. who ever has occupied it must be a big man, cause he has not even left a corner or a nook for me to sneak in. the fact of the matter is , my heart is sold out but there are no takers. i know she is young, she has a long way to go. with time she will grow. for me i have weathered many stroms, this is just a nudge. she is also doing the same as me, following her heart. it has found someone who will look after it. so what if that someone is not me .
every dream doesnt meet reality..
some stories are ment to be incomplete ...
some hearts are ment to be lonely...
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
THANK YOU GOD
the stone turned with the tide
now the crab had no place to hide
the sky above, space open wide
running from the bird, cursing the tide
on the beach there laid a sea shell
the crab excited "what the bloody hell"
as it neared, realising there was a smell
stink of death, nausiating spell
on second thought, be it open sky
to avoid the stink, crab prefered to die
it could see, the bird above soaring high
the crab cursed "why me God, why ?"
"purpose of your life, to feed the needy"
the God replied "don't be greedy"
go to the fishermen, death will be speedy
but God, "i am the one who is needy"
The God gave a smiling look.
turned around, running back crab a snook
but was swept away in the hook
liberated from its life, a second it took
the bird said "THANK YOU GOD"
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Doing what is right
Can we have two rights, and none of them is wrong ?
Yeah sure we can.
As far as i am concerned there is no wrong. everything is just right.
bur for most of the people i have known, if one is right than other has to wrong. they just assume this but they do not understand assumptions can be fatal.
those people who tend to know me better are generally confused in their mind, if they do like me or not. the lesser known person would just express their dislike. certainly they think how can there be two right. and on the point of argument when i am able to proove myself right, they just assume that i have prooved them wrong and they just tend to dislike me more.
i very much believe in the freedom of speech, but i seldom address a crowd. i prefer to have my personal audience. i feel more comfortable with people i know. but all this is changing as i am coming out of my shell. i have been lucky to see affectionate side of many people. some people directly and most of them known indirectly. the people i know indirectly mean those people i may not know much about , but they know me well some how without actually knowing me. as if they can see right through , in my soul. this are the kind of people who have made this world wonderful for me. they have made me realise the world is a better place and i can make it even better with my efforts.
so again the question is, what can one man do ?
well it just requires one brain to generate a brilliant idea. so thats all i will need, a brilliant idea befor anyone else comesup with it. ironically ideas are not dependant on education, age, cast or community. it just comes when a need arises. need is the mother of inventio, though education and other stuff help in materialising that idea.
so now what do i need ?
for now my love story has been put up on hold as i face a certain crisis at work. more than a crisis it an opportunity to grow. it was all set in motion by my senior manager s resignation, followed by both the project leads , in the coming months and the closing act was performed by my manager putting in his papers, declaring his wish to leave. this being his last month . so the top four have left, well three and the last one out on is way. the value of this top four should be understood by the fact that they had built this team from scratch in the past three years, and they all left one at a time as they had some fallout with the management. now all that remains of the team are the lower ranks. the new recruits will come in but the management is also looking at us to see if some of us are ready and willing to grow. six of us are left from the old team. all are willing to grow only time will tell who is ready enough. but the only thing i am worried about is, with the top four gone i am actually stuck with fools. now there is no one to look up too, no one from whom i can expect to learn something. doing work is not going to be difficult without them, they have imparted enough knowledge upon me and if the need arises i can adapt to the situation quickly and effectively.
now the cards are open, the position has been put up for grabs. i just pray i dont have to step on someone to make my way ahead. but professionalism demands for me to be shrud in this time so i just bid forgiveness for my sins. and yeah once i am out of this so called crisis and i am settled down , i will be back to being myself. i will be back in my persuit for love.
till then hold on love :).
Yeah sure we can.
As far as i am concerned there is no wrong. everything is just right.
bur for most of the people i have known, if one is right than other has to wrong. they just assume this but they do not understand assumptions can be fatal.
those people who tend to know me better are generally confused in their mind, if they do like me or not. the lesser known person would just express their dislike. certainly they think how can there be two right. and on the point of argument when i am able to proove myself right, they just assume that i have prooved them wrong and they just tend to dislike me more.
i very much believe in the freedom of speech, but i seldom address a crowd. i prefer to have my personal audience. i feel more comfortable with people i know. but all this is changing as i am coming out of my shell. i have been lucky to see affectionate side of many people. some people directly and most of them known indirectly. the people i know indirectly mean those people i may not know much about , but they know me well some how without actually knowing me. as if they can see right through , in my soul. this are the kind of people who have made this world wonderful for me. they have made me realise the world is a better place and i can make it even better with my efforts.
so again the question is, what can one man do ?
well it just requires one brain to generate a brilliant idea. so thats all i will need, a brilliant idea befor anyone else comesup with it. ironically ideas are not dependant on education, age, cast or community. it just comes when a need arises. need is the mother of inventio, though education and other stuff help in materialising that idea.
so now what do i need ?
for now my love story has been put up on hold as i face a certain crisis at work. more than a crisis it an opportunity to grow. it was all set in motion by my senior manager s resignation, followed by both the project leads , in the coming months and the closing act was performed by my manager putting in his papers, declaring his wish to leave. this being his last month . so the top four have left, well three and the last one out on is way. the value of this top four should be understood by the fact that they had built this team from scratch in the past three years, and they all left one at a time as they had some fallout with the management. now all that remains of the team are the lower ranks. the new recruits will come in but the management is also looking at us to see if some of us are ready and willing to grow. six of us are left from the old team. all are willing to grow only time will tell who is ready enough. but the only thing i am worried about is, with the top four gone i am actually stuck with fools. now there is no one to look up too, no one from whom i can expect to learn something. doing work is not going to be difficult without them, they have imparted enough knowledge upon me and if the need arises i can adapt to the situation quickly and effectively.
now the cards are open, the position has been put up for grabs. i just pray i dont have to step on someone to make my way ahead. but professionalism demands for me to be shrud in this time so i just bid forgiveness for my sins. and yeah once i am out of this so called crisis and i am settled down , i will be back to being myself. i will be back in my persuit for love.
till then hold on love :).
Conversation
Now i dont know what took it in that direction , but it ended on a very good note.it gave me another insight on a woman's mind. i would like others to have the same feel as i did so i will just paste some parts of the conversation i had with someone.there is nothing much to write about her but just that she is a good friend of mine.
me : hi
aasma : hello
aasma : what's up?
Then we continued our general talk as it kept getting interesting, i started telling her about what kind of authority we get to enjoy at work and all that stuff
me : i do have yahoo on my system
aasma : i know :D
me : from our system we can still log in to orkut n stuff
aasma : coool
me : on all other systems in other departments it has been restricted
aasma : teri wud be gf ne haan kar diya tab to phir gaya teraa kaam... waat lagegi kaam ki... u'll be chatting all day :P
me : : is this a joke ?
aasma : nahi... warning :P
aasma : :D
me : dm
me : i thought it was a joke
me : so i was about to laugh
aasma : duffer
me : but now i cant :-s
aasma : =))
me : she is acting weird
aasma : weird? :-S
me : and ne ways my mind is shooting up
me : no time for ne thing else
me : now concentrate on work
aasma : famous girls' treatment
aasma : if u survive this u will survive anything
aasma : yes concentrate on work
aasma : :D
me : :) i know
me : i'm not a silly kid
me : i know wht i want
aasma : yes baba
aasma : mujhe lecture mat jhaad x-(
me : :P
me : i just sholdering u
aasma : sholdering
me? :-/
the conversation gradually came to a point where i was turned off by the statement she made..i started thinking about it , does it have to happen this way all the time ...
aasma : i dont make big deal about anything unless n until really attached to a personaasma : dont sweat it
me : :
me : two in just one day
aasma : zyaada funda jhaada? :P
me : dis is crazy
aasma : two?
me : yeah
me : she said some thing like dat
me : which really turned me off
aasma : what did she say?
me : now u :
me : she doesnt care for the person just the party so she is going
aasma : and why wud that piss u off?
me : didnt u get it ?
aasma : nope
aasma : i dont tell even my bf sometimes why n what i doing...
me : u see u are also just like her
me : so it make two in a day
me : :
aasma : so nah i dont understand why wud that piss u off
me : i'm a very simple person
me : a ppl person
me : i give importance to ppl
me : more than things
me : or occasions
me : or events
me : or any thing
me : everything else in immaterial
aasma : can i talk now?
aasma : thank you
aasma : see...
aasma : my point of view...
aasma : i have a life where in i'm not answerable to anyone
aasma : it's MINE
aasma : sometimes i do things only for 'myself'
aasma : not caring bout what anyone on earth wud think
aasma : i say...
aasma u r sad.. do something impulsive that u really want to..
aasma : may it be try dancing or online flirting or weed....
aasma : anythingaasma : where i dont answer any freakin soul
aasma : so if anyone questions that free will
aasma : i do say stuff that wud piss the person off
aasma : so that never questioned again
aasma : that's it
aasma : me done
me : free will
aasma : yes
me : it is just being weak
aasma : if doin something that doesnt harm anyone but makes me smile.. i'd do it
aasma : i wudnt call myself weak if i dont vent out my personal life
aasma : i wud call myself badly stressed out and disoriented
me : what do u term as harm ?
aasma : if i do drugs n my guy doesnt get to know... that's harm
aasma : if i sneak out n elope then for parents it's harm
me : so what about free will ?
aasma : free will doesnt mean u'll hurt ppl
aasma : it's just something that will de-stress
aasma : as simple as that
aasma : free isnt % free... like vacuum isnt % vacuum
me : why and how do ppl get hurt ?
aasma : not answering anymore questions
aasma : it's like goin to shrink
aasma : n i hate it
aasma : :
me : well any ways i got my point across to u
aasma : nope
me : now you know why i got pissed of
aasma : i'd still preserve my life n free will
aasma : i still think u shudnt have got pissed off
me : so what ever u have said becomes null n void
aasma : why?
aasma : put ur 'point' across clearly i'll understand it better
me : if you are going to attend someone's birthday party
me : and its purely because of the party and not cause u care about that person
aasma : some ppl do that...
me : so its going to hurt that person if that person got to know
aasma : like i chat online with a lot of ppl...
aasma : ohhhh
aasma : now i got ur point
aasma : i thought u were hurt cuz
she is goin
aasma : ye pehle bolne ka thaa na!
me : bullshit
aasma : what bullshit?
me : she has her freedom
aasma : how wud i know ur point without u telling me...
aasma : i assumed ki u dint want her to go to some dumb party
me : understanding my dear
aasma : that's why u r pissed off n stuff
aasma : not antaryami to understand what u think right!!!!
aasma : :
me : did you read what i wrote above befor u got started ?
aasma : yesaasma : u said she is going for the party not for the person
aasma : so i assumed u r pissed off ki she attends random parties
aasma : not a good girl sign
me : i said read just above wht i have writen befor u started
me : u are going way above
aasma : understand my dear???
me : grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
me : wait i will paste it again
aasma : why cant u just put it here again? instead of confusing me x-(
aasma : so nah i dont understand why wud that piss u
me: i a very simple person
me: a ppl person
me: i give importance to ppl
me: more than things
me: or occasions
me: or events
me: or any thing
me: everything else in immaterial
aasma: can i talk now?
aasma : i thought YOU wanted importance here
me : ME i do not exist
me : i always believe in US
me : WE
aasma : dint quite realise u dint like her not givin importance to someone else pissed u off
aasma : well from that person's point of view... it's wrong...
aasma : damn wrong...
aasma : but the question here is.. will that person be happy if he/she sees her?
me : why the hell den d invitation for ?a
asma : if it makes someone happy thn faking isnt always wrong.. it's makin someone else smile.. simple
aasma : dude... sometimes girls get invitation just like that
aasma : trust me...
aasma : a nonsocial person like me gets invited to parties often n i turn them down... so a pretty girl in mumbai will be loaded with offers sure
me : guess what
me : ??
aasma : what?
me : you have got your shot to become famous
aasma : huh?
me : :D i going to put this conversation on blog
aasma : fuck u!!!
aasma : no way!!!
aasma : dont u even dare do that
aasma : come on!
aasma : please!
yeah she didnt want this conversation to be posted here, but then i convinced her when i told her that i will change the name, and no one will know it was her
me : hi
aasma : hello
aasma : what's up?
Then we continued our general talk as it kept getting interesting, i started telling her about what kind of authority we get to enjoy at work and all that stuff
me : i do have yahoo on my system
aasma : i know :D
me : from our system we can still log in to orkut n stuff
aasma : coool
me : on all other systems in other departments it has been restricted
aasma : teri wud be gf ne haan kar diya tab to phir gaya teraa kaam... waat lagegi kaam ki... u'll be chatting all day :P
me : : is this a joke ?
aasma : nahi... warning :P
aasma : :D
me : dm
me : i thought it was a joke
me : so i was about to laugh
aasma : duffer
me : but now i cant :-s
aasma : =))
me : she is acting weird
aasma : weird? :-S
me : and ne ways my mind is shooting up
me : no time for ne thing else
me : now concentrate on work
aasma : famous girls' treatment
aasma : if u survive this u will survive anything
aasma : yes concentrate on work
aasma : :D
me : :) i know
me : i'm not a silly kid
me : i know wht i want
aasma : yes baba
aasma : mujhe lecture mat jhaad x-(
me : :P
me : i just sholdering u
aasma : sholdering
me? :-/
the conversation gradually came to a point where i was turned off by the statement she made..i started thinking about it , does it have to happen this way all the time ...
aasma : i dont make big deal about anything unless n until really attached to a personaasma : dont sweat it
me : :
me : two in just one day
aasma : zyaada funda jhaada? :P
me : dis is crazy
aasma : two?
me : yeah
me : she said some thing like dat
me : which really turned me off
aasma : what did she say?
me : now u :
me : she doesnt care for the person just the party so she is going
aasma : and why wud that piss u off?
me : didnt u get it ?
aasma : nope
aasma : i dont tell even my bf sometimes why n what i doing...
me : u see u are also just like her
me : so it make two in a day
me : :
aasma : so nah i dont understand why wud that piss u off
me : i'm a very simple person
me : a ppl person
me : i give importance to ppl
me : more than things
me : or occasions
me : or events
me : or any thing
me : everything else in immaterial
aasma : can i talk now?
aasma : thank you
aasma : see...
aasma : my point of view...
aasma : i have a life where in i'm not answerable to anyone
aasma : it's MINE
aasma : sometimes i do things only for 'myself'
aasma : not caring bout what anyone on earth wud think
aasma : i say...
aasma u r sad.. do something impulsive that u really want to..
aasma : may it be try dancing or online flirting or weed....
aasma : anythingaasma : where i dont answer any freakin soul
aasma : so if anyone questions that free will
aasma : i do say stuff that wud piss the person off
aasma : so that never questioned again
aasma : that's it
aasma : me done
me : free will
aasma : yes
me : it is just being weak
aasma : if doin something that doesnt harm anyone but makes me smile.. i'd do it
aasma : i wudnt call myself weak if i dont vent out my personal life
aasma : i wud call myself badly stressed out and disoriented
me : what do u term as harm ?
aasma : if i do drugs n my guy doesnt get to know... that's harm
aasma : if i sneak out n elope then for parents it's harm
me : so what about free will ?
aasma : free will doesnt mean u'll hurt ppl
aasma : it's just something that will de-stress
aasma : as simple as that
aasma : free isnt % free... like vacuum isnt % vacuum
me : why and how do ppl get hurt ?
aasma : not answering anymore questions
aasma : it's like goin to shrink
aasma : n i hate it
aasma : :
me : well any ways i got my point across to u
aasma : nope
me : now you know why i got pissed of
aasma : i'd still preserve my life n free will
aasma : i still think u shudnt have got pissed off
me : so what ever u have said becomes null n void
aasma : why?
aasma : put ur 'point' across clearly i'll understand it better
me : if you are going to attend someone's birthday party
me : and its purely because of the party and not cause u care about that person
aasma : some ppl do that...
me : so its going to hurt that person if that person got to know
aasma : like i chat online with a lot of ppl...
aasma : ohhhh
aasma : now i got ur point
aasma : i thought u were hurt cuz
she is goin
aasma : ye pehle bolne ka thaa na!
me : bullshit
aasma : what bullshit?
me : she has her freedom
aasma : how wud i know ur point without u telling me...
aasma : i assumed ki u dint want her to go to some dumb party
me : understanding my dear
aasma : that's why u r pissed off n stuff
aasma : not antaryami to understand what u think right!!!!
aasma : :
me : did you read what i wrote above befor u got started ?
aasma : yesaasma : u said she is going for the party not for the person
aasma : so i assumed u r pissed off ki she attends random parties
aasma : not a good girl sign
me : i said read just above wht i have writen befor u started
me : u are going way above
aasma : understand my dear???
me : grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
me : wait i will paste it again
aasma : why cant u just put it here again? instead of confusing me x-(
aasma : so nah i dont understand why wud that piss u
me: i a very simple person
me: a ppl person
me: i give importance to ppl
me: more than things
me: or occasions
me: or events
me: or any thing
me: everything else in immaterial
aasma: can i talk now?
aasma : i thought YOU wanted importance here
me : ME i do not exist
me : i always believe in US
me : WE
aasma : dint quite realise u dint like her not givin importance to someone else pissed u off
aasma : well from that person's point of view... it's wrong...
aasma : damn wrong...
aasma : but the question here is.. will that person be happy if he/she sees her?
me : why the hell den d invitation for ?a
asma : if it makes someone happy thn faking isnt always wrong.. it's makin someone else smile.. simple
aasma : dude... sometimes girls get invitation just like that
aasma : trust me...
aasma : a nonsocial person like me gets invited to parties often n i turn them down... so a pretty girl in mumbai will be loaded with offers sure
me : guess what
me : ??
aasma : what?
me : you have got your shot to become famous
aasma : huh?
me : :D i going to put this conversation on blog
aasma : fuck u!!!
aasma : no way!!!
aasma : dont u even dare do that
aasma : come on!
aasma : please!
yeah she didnt want this conversation to be posted here, but then i convinced her when i told her that i will change the name, and no one will know it was her
i want to be
To cross the river
I need a bridge or a boat.
Cause i cannot cross
it on my own.
The lack of swiming
the fear of drawning
Is keeping me at bay
I dont even have hay
to keep me afloat
or should i make a boat ?
do i have that time
to build the bridge
across the ridge
i dont know the depth
at which the water will rise
if it goes above my eyes
then i am stuck
as a dead duck
even you are not with me
just my luck
to the other side
i would have flown
the thought, easy it came
that easily it was gone.
i burned my wings
when i flew to the sun
in iternal bliss, in zing
and i am trying to run
my dream, my nightmare
trying hard in despair
the only place i can reach
is the same place i be
i see many people
everyone looks like me
an image, an identity
a part of me, which
i could never becom or still
want to be.
I need a bridge or a boat.
Cause i cannot cross
it on my own.
The lack of swiming
the fear of drawning
Is keeping me at bay
I dont even have hay
to keep me afloat
or should i make a boat ?
do i have that time
to build the bridge
across the ridge
i dont know the depth
at which the water will rise
if it goes above my eyes
then i am stuck
as a dead duck
even you are not with me
just my luck
to the other side
i would have flown
the thought, easy it came
that easily it was gone.
i burned my wings
when i flew to the sun
in iternal bliss, in zing
and i am trying to run
my dream, my nightmare
trying hard in despair
the only place i can reach
is the same place i be
i see many people
everyone looks like me
an image, an identity
a part of me, which
i could never becom or still
want to be.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
working monday
i am back working at my previous company. well i am quit surprised actually, it has been a 11 months since i have left there. i stoped going to work from 15th july. it was because i was turned off by my manager there. she was one nasty lady. if you ask me, there where two reasons for her to becom the manager. reason 1 being that she had been working with the owner of the company for 20 years or so and the second was that she was also his lay. she had this hell of ego. she was one reason i quit and so did this other fellow, soon after i did. this other fello Mr. KV was also some guy.man he had some crude understanding. i think southindians are born with ego. i have never seen a man stuck to a cell as Mr. KV did. he was a good buddy though. but dont know why, but he was kind of scared or something of the owner of the company. the owner of the company was Mr.P. he was a very lucky man. lucky, hardworking and certainly a business man. he knew how to do business. he could throw his money around. he knew how and he had enoughmoney to throw around. he was the one who interviewed me. he was the only one who could. he promised me a lot of things. he gave me authority in his company. there were many things to be learned from him. but he never much used to visit the factory. he just used to be at his office in town. befor i joined in , he used to come thrice a week to the factory, cause there was no one to handle the work as he did. then i came in and as soon as i was able to manage work on my own, his visit to the factory started reducing. now he would be there twice a month. he used to say to me 'son you work like you are me'. yeah i did feel better working like him and much better better if he did pay me as good. but he prefered to give me his word rather than his money. well i didnt want all his money. just the fair deal , for which i worked. all i was getting was words which kind of turned me off. its not even that i minded working at that pay, the position i had there was good. but the manager, we used to call her ma'am- Mrs SN. now she was the manager for only two reasons i have mentioned earlier. i dont know if she understands 'P' of production. she was (is) one stubburn lady. i didnt like her much more nor did she liked me much. she didnt like me because o used to override her command in the factory. when it came to work, i have a very simple policy, either u you show me the way you want me to work or you let me know what work you want me to do and let me do it my way. Mr.P had given me freedom of doing the work in my way and get it done. so she didnt me at all. but she couldnt do any thing about it. there where times when Mr.P used to flank her for interfearing with my work. but she had ego problem. she was a southindian too and she didnt like me for cutting into her power. we used to have our tussel every now and then. the frequency of our tussel was inversly proportional to the frequency of Mr.P's visit to the factory. so it had to be. i used to ignore her till she just kept insulting me and kept saying sorry. that was kind of a routine. but then she added insult to injury, that really really turned me off, so i went off on my own.
its monday morning and what the hell am i doing here ? i have quit this place 11 months ago, i have to be at GeP. I am having some trouble at GeP but i havnt quit there yet and so i shouldnt be here.it kind of made me scared i was shaken and i woke up. the clock showed 10:15 am, i was still home, my shift starts at 1:30 pm at GeP. so i need not worry. i can still make it to work. it is kind of killing me to start working on monday after i had such a weekend. what happned on weekend was another story , now i have to go and get ready. bye for now
its monday morning and what the hell am i doing here ? i have quit this place 11 months ago, i have to be at GeP. I am having some trouble at GeP but i havnt quit there yet and so i shouldnt be here.it kind of made me scared i was shaken and i woke up. the clock showed 10:15 am, i was still home, my shift starts at 1:30 pm at GeP. so i need not worry. i can still make it to work. it is kind of killing me to start working on monday after i had such a weekend. what happned on weekend was another story , now i have to go and get ready. bye for now
Sunday, June 22, 2008
the cell beeped , it was her message-
"you please stop calling me, i dont want to be in touch wit you. your presence is troublin me n when i'l b disturbed, you'l b disturbed, so please avoid."
i replied -
"Dats fair enf :-)
i dont want u to be upset
no trouble from me to you
from now on"
i made it as short and simple as possible. i dont know what was going in my mind. definately i was feeling a bit uneasy at that time.
i sat down with my pen and my dairy kept penning, what ever came to my mind. when she asked me 'you stopped writing your blog ?' I realised i had written some thing that day but never posted it so here it is as i had written it on that day 21 days earlier.
The heart has no mind, so it doesnt think. it only feels.
shakespeare says whats in the name. I would say trouble. that is what comes to mind when my name comes up. i have caused trouble for many people. if i start saying sorry to each one of them, it would eat up a major chunk of my life. but come to think of it , i must hae really caused trouble for my mother for she loved and hated me all the same. with me trouble started with birth. it wasnt the docter who misappropriated the time of my birth, but it was just me who was eager to stay where i was. not willing to be born. so they declared an emergency and cut me out. my mother used to say when they brought me out i was not breathing, the body had turned blue. the docter kept slaping me to make me cry. then it was to the incubator for me- its the same thing where eggs are kept to make chickens hatch out of them, & for the wise ones its a machine, so dont think i was put in a grass basket with a hen over me.
the next occurance of trouble as i was told happned when the nurse under whos care i was got arrested for the crime of child snatching. now, could it be ? she might have swapped me or something. i could never associate myself with both my parents.
anyways its all a part of history, 26 years have gone by and i am living the life i have received.
i prefer a defeat then surrender. she was giving me signs of trouble in the last couple of days. but i wouldnt ask her. i just kept pushing the envelop till finally she asked me to stop. my love story hasn't yet started and its already coming to an end. now it should have mattred to me , hurt me , but i do believe every begining starts with an end.
she said every time she met me there was trouble for her. i would like to tell her every time lovers meet sparks fly.no love story is complete without and finally it i am the one who is getting her in trouble than i will be the one getting her out. may be my timing wasnt right, but the feeling i expressed were true. next time you find trouble coming at you, let me deal with it. i am here to take all your troubles away, not cause them.
i hold nothing against you neither i expect you to have the same feelings as i do. the truth is love cannot be forced, another one is i cannot stop loving you.
"you please stop calling me, i dont want to be in touch wit you. your presence is troublin me n when i'l b disturbed, you'l b disturbed, so please avoid."
i replied -
"Dats fair enf :-)
i dont want u to be upset
no trouble from me to you
from now on"
i made it as short and simple as possible. i dont know what was going in my mind. definately i was feeling a bit uneasy at that time.
i sat down with my pen and my dairy kept penning, what ever came to my mind. when she asked me 'you stopped writing your blog ?' I realised i had written some thing that day but never posted it so here it is as i had written it on that day 21 days earlier.
The heart has no mind, so it doesnt think. it only feels.
shakespeare says whats in the name. I would say trouble. that is what comes to mind when my name comes up. i have caused trouble for many people. if i start saying sorry to each one of them, it would eat up a major chunk of my life. but come to think of it , i must hae really caused trouble for my mother for she loved and hated me all the same. with me trouble started with birth. it wasnt the docter who misappropriated the time of my birth, but it was just me who was eager to stay where i was. not willing to be born. so they declared an emergency and cut me out. my mother used to say when they brought me out i was not breathing, the body had turned blue. the docter kept slaping me to make me cry. then it was to the incubator for me- its the same thing where eggs are kept to make chickens hatch out of them, & for the wise ones its a machine, so dont think i was put in a grass basket with a hen over me.
the next occurance of trouble as i was told happned when the nurse under whos care i was got arrested for the crime of child snatching. now, could it be ? she might have swapped me or something. i could never associate myself with both my parents.
anyways its all a part of history, 26 years have gone by and i am living the life i have received.
i prefer a defeat then surrender. she was giving me signs of trouble in the last couple of days. but i wouldnt ask her. i just kept pushing the envelop till finally she asked me to stop. my love story hasn't yet started and its already coming to an end. now it should have mattred to me , hurt me , but i do believe every begining starts with an end.
she said every time she met me there was trouble for her. i would like to tell her every time lovers meet sparks fly.no love story is complete without and finally it i am the one who is getting her in trouble than i will be the one getting her out. may be my timing wasnt right, but the feeling i expressed were true. next time you find trouble coming at you, let me deal with it. i am here to take all your troubles away, not cause them.
i hold nothing against you neither i expect you to have the same feelings as i do. the truth is love cannot be forced, another one is i cannot stop loving you.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
tha pain the hurt
"If the pain doesn't kill you, it will make you grow stronger"
You always get pain when you are hurt. Pain is required to heal or You will always keep hurting yourself, causing a greater damage than the pain itself does. There are just so many ways in which a human being can be hurt.
First there is the physical hurt. A bodily injury is easily detected, causes as much pain as it hurts. The cure is as easy as finding the cause. In time the healthy body heals itself. The other types of hurt are more complex in their form & affect on a human being. Of this the first one to come across is-
Hurt of soul:- Our soul gets hurt when our trust is broke, when our heart is broken, when we come face to face with treachery. If undetected this can eat up a person from inside causing a slow everlasting pain. The slower the pain sets in the slower it is cured.
Hurt of mind:- Usually with excruciating pain the hurt of soul is followed by the hurt of mind, where the state of sanity is lost. Here even though there is pain but its awareness is reduced by the state of mind. It can also be caused due to some shock, a bodily injury, bad news, etc.
Social hurt:- It happens when you lose respect, your position in the society you live. It can be caused by public humiliation. It takes ages to earn respect but it can all be lost in an instant. Social hurt can have a negative impact on the individual. It can collectively hurt a persons mind and soul, eventually driving the person towards hurting himself physically.
Financial hurt:- In today's money minded world, the financial hurt can easily be identified. It is just one of those things which we bring upon our self. It can really break a person with a weak heart and soul.
IF the source of pain can be traced out then a suitable cure can be nursed for it. Pain can also be identified by the kind of hurt it is caused by. As humans we are born with inbuilt capacity to endure pain. But we constantly need dosage of pain to increase our capacity to endure pain, just as being a vaccinated for a disease. It is essential for human survival, cause death is caused in our body when the pain becomes unbearable. So it is said "If the pain doesn't kill you, it will make you grow stronger". In life many people do not get the opportunity to feel all the kind of pain and live to tell the tale. I feel lucky to have come so far. Every time it seems i cannot take it any more and every time the pain takes me to the brink and gives away, letting me live for the coming round.
"The only thing temporary is pain".
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
a girl & friend
A man without a woman is like a sea without an island, a solar system without a sun. Without a sun life wouldn't have been perpetuated on earth. The importance of a woman cannot be denied in my life. Yet i am a man without a woman.
They say "Every sucessful man has a woman behind him". A simple statement which is open for people to hold their own meaning.
First- A woman makes a man sucessful
Second- A women is after a sucessful man
I fall in the first catogery. I need my woman to become the man I truely am.
Those who know me personally also know that I don't like to be ordered around & I question the authority. I dont know the reason for it , but she was asking me not to attend her show. Which i was not planning to do knowingly. But she was insisting on it, to an extent where she even threatened to back out of the show. I asked " are you ordering me ?"
"yes i am" she replied. It was some thing I was expecting from her, but wasn't sure when she would be using the authority which i have given her over me. This came as a surprise to me and mind it, it was a pleasant surprise. Just to make sure I questioned her authority " who are you to be ordering me around" As if she was expecting this question , had an answer ready for me "I am a girl & your friend".
Now here is one statement which can mean a world to me or its probabbly nothing. What ever it is, only time can tell & her.
For me I have already played my cards, I want her to be more then just my girlfriend. But for now a Girl & Friend will do.
They say "Every sucessful man has a woman behind him". A simple statement which is open for people to hold their own meaning.
First- A woman makes a man sucessful
Second- A women is after a sucessful man
I fall in the first catogery. I need my woman to become the man I truely am.
Those who know me personally also know that I don't like to be ordered around & I question the authority. I dont know the reason for it , but she was asking me not to attend her show. Which i was not planning to do knowingly. But she was insisting on it, to an extent where she even threatened to back out of the show. I asked " are you ordering me ?"
"yes i am" she replied. It was some thing I was expecting from her, but wasn't sure when she would be using the authority which i have given her over me. This came as a surprise to me and mind it, it was a pleasant surprise. Just to make sure I questioned her authority " who are you to be ordering me around" As if she was expecting this question , had an answer ready for me "I am a girl & your friend".
Now here is one statement which can mean a world to me or its probabbly nothing. What ever it is, only time can tell & her.
For me I have already played my cards, I want her to be more then just my girlfriend. But for now a Girl & Friend will do.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
she says i am a mad man, no one can blame her for that
i just finished reading chetan bhagat's third book 'the three mistakes of my life'.
it was a wonderful read as usual baring a few printing errors. he is a good writer in a way cause his readers can relate to his stories.
every book i have read has made my belief stronger in power of love. its not only through book that i have known love but have seen it work in my every day life. my book reading has developed in the last year or so. but i have always heard stories about love and longing from people.
only those who have know love and lost it can understant the need for it.
men will try and find love from where ever he can. there is noo exception when thousands try to find it in the virtual world.
net is a totally different wolrd with its own sets of rules. people seldom have to pay for breaking these rules. i was not that lucky and i paid the price for it so there are nomore hard feelings.
every time i come online i find many new people. its silly how people play love games here.
after a certain disaster i was getting good at playing the same game. i become a player always ready for girls who thought i was a game. i had devised my own set of rules. while chatting on net there are possibilities the person whom you are chatting with will turn out to be a totally different person in real. the risk is always there , but as you know me whats life without risk.
i only prefer to use one networking site as its enough for me. i have been using orkut for a few years now. its a good place to make friends. i have a few good friends from here. i like its consept of going on to forums, chating there making friends. i dont send random friends request nither post a scrap in others scrap book unless i have known them. i have broken this rules in event where a profile has really grabbed my attention. one such profile of a ms xyz grabbed my attention and i posted a scrap to her to which she never replied. so it happens a lot on orkut and there is nothing extraordinay about it. even on the community i tried chatting with her but all was in vain. soon i forget all about it with other distractions around and they are easy to be found. i eventually stoped going to that community. i had found a new waterhole. my frequency on orkut keeps changing from regular to once a month depending on my mood. on this new community i have made some more friends and a reputation. on this community i get to see the same ms xyz again. the time passes as it does i kept seeing her more and more on the community but i didnt make any attempt to chat. then se disappeared for a while and i also decided to cut down on action. half a year has passed just like that but the day was made special bye her comment on my displayed pic. this was what i had waited for so long, taking this opportunity i started a small conversation with her on the comm, but she vanished in the middle of it. another week passed till i got to chat with her again . soon i entered her scrap book. a few sessions of chat made me realise it was not just her DP which attracted me but her way of thinking also did the trick. the kind of people i find on net makes me sceptical of them at first. the only thing i was thinking was she for real ? can any girl be like her ?
i had to see for myself and for that i had to meet her. so i asked her out once. she refused at the begining but then she gave in to my persuasive technics. even when the decision to meet was taken it was not a cake walk. she kept elluding me, making me wait a couple of time at the said place on time without even showing up.
i wondered to my self what i was doing ? then a week of nothing, no chat. she had vanished and left me wondering. the next time i got her on chat i asked for her contact number , which was immediately given to me without a fuss, which again surprised me. even with the number i restrained my self from calling her. i didnt want to comearound as a desperate guy to her.
the online chatting sessions contunied when ever we met, with abrupt disruptions with either of us getting disconnected. on eve of holy i sent her sms to wish her . upto to this point i was not sure if the number belonged to her, even with the replies. it looked like a big prank being played on me.
one morning i had set course to meet her after a string of sms's a night befor. again dissapoinment stared in my eyes but this time i refused to give up. it didnt matter to me for how long it was but i had to meet her and so she aggreed to meet me on the railway station. i had time till her train arrived. i was so awe struk to see her climb the stair.
this was the first i met her, the second meeting came in another 10 days time. things where getting better and better . the third happned with a jerk but i am glad it did , cause i was able to let her know about my feelings. her only reaction was that she is commited and wouldnt want to meet me again. it kind of broke me but i wasnt going to give up that easy.
now she is single again but still doesnt want to meet me. may be doesnt want me to get any wrong signals from her. she says i am a mad man. she is correct in her statement.
it is true, i dont know what love is. i dont know where to find it ? i just know, during the time i spent with her i felt euphoric and i would like to feel the same way for the rest of my life just. this is my final attempt at love. a failure here and i am going to succumb to my harsh reality.
it was a wonderful read as usual baring a few printing errors. he is a good writer in a way cause his readers can relate to his stories.
every book i have read has made my belief stronger in power of love. its not only through book that i have known love but have seen it work in my every day life. my book reading has developed in the last year or so. but i have always heard stories about love and longing from people.
only those who have know love and lost it can understant the need for it.
men will try and find love from where ever he can. there is noo exception when thousands try to find it in the virtual world.
net is a totally different wolrd with its own sets of rules. people seldom have to pay for breaking these rules. i was not that lucky and i paid the price for it so there are nomore hard feelings.
every time i come online i find many new people. its silly how people play love games here.
after a certain disaster i was getting good at playing the same game. i become a player always ready for girls who thought i was a game. i had devised my own set of rules. while chatting on net there are possibilities the person whom you are chatting with will turn out to be a totally different person in real. the risk is always there , but as you know me whats life without risk.
i only prefer to use one networking site as its enough for me. i have been using orkut for a few years now. its a good place to make friends. i have a few good friends from here. i like its consept of going on to forums, chating there making friends. i dont send random friends request nither post a scrap in others scrap book unless i have known them. i have broken this rules in event where a profile has really grabbed my attention. one such profile of a ms xyz grabbed my attention and i posted a scrap to her to which she never replied. so it happens a lot on orkut and there is nothing extraordinay about it. even on the community i tried chatting with her but all was in vain. soon i forget all about it with other distractions around and they are easy to be found. i eventually stoped going to that community. i had found a new waterhole. my frequency on orkut keeps changing from regular to once a month depending on my mood. on this new community i have made some more friends and a reputation. on this community i get to see the same ms xyz again. the time passes as it does i kept seeing her more and more on the community but i didnt make any attempt to chat. then se disappeared for a while and i also decided to cut down on action. half a year has passed just like that but the day was made special bye her comment on my displayed pic. this was what i had waited for so long, taking this opportunity i started a small conversation with her on the comm, but she vanished in the middle of it. another week passed till i got to chat with her again . soon i entered her scrap book. a few sessions of chat made me realise it was not just her DP which attracted me but her way of thinking also did the trick. the kind of people i find on net makes me sceptical of them at first. the only thing i was thinking was she for real ? can any girl be like her ?
i had to see for myself and for that i had to meet her. so i asked her out once. she refused at the begining but then she gave in to my persuasive technics. even when the decision to meet was taken it was not a cake walk. she kept elluding me, making me wait a couple of time at the said place on time without even showing up.
i wondered to my self what i was doing ? then a week of nothing, no chat. she had vanished and left me wondering. the next time i got her on chat i asked for her contact number , which was immediately given to me without a fuss, which again surprised me. even with the number i restrained my self from calling her. i didnt want to comearound as a desperate guy to her.
the online chatting sessions contunied when ever we met, with abrupt disruptions with either of us getting disconnected. on eve of holy i sent her sms to wish her . upto to this point i was not sure if the number belonged to her, even with the replies. it looked like a big prank being played on me.
one morning i had set course to meet her after a string of sms's a night befor. again dissapoinment stared in my eyes but this time i refused to give up. it didnt matter to me for how long it was but i had to meet her and so she aggreed to meet me on the railway station. i had time till her train arrived. i was so awe struk to see her climb the stair.
this was the first i met her, the second meeting came in another 10 days time. things where getting better and better . the third happned with a jerk but i am glad it did , cause i was able to let her know about my feelings. her only reaction was that she is commited and wouldnt want to meet me again. it kind of broke me but i wasnt going to give up that easy.
now she is single again but still doesnt want to meet me. may be doesnt want me to get any wrong signals from her. she says i am a mad man. she is correct in her statement.
it is true, i dont know what love is. i dont know where to find it ? i just know, during the time i spent with her i felt euphoric and i would like to feel the same way for the rest of my life just. this is my final attempt at love. a failure here and i am going to succumb to my harsh reality.
Friday, May 23, 2008
cup of tea
At high speeds it becomes difficult to control bike if some one or some thing comes in front of you.
many a times i feel like i will end up crashing into some vehical some day. when i am riding i have visions of it happening & i am pretty much aware of the risk, but cant help it. its the only way i know to ride & its fun too.
i do believe in taking calculated risks, thats one reason i wont let my bike go out of control , the rest depends on the condition of road and the other factor such as drivers/riders/people crossing road.
there are too many things going in my mind so its hard to put down a clear picture of what i am trying to say here.
a dozen days went by ,but the flavor of the tea still remains. may be there was something in the special tea which the mausi made for us.
last saturday i was on the same road moving towards vasai, but things had changed drastically in just a week. my beautiful and elegant ride partner was replaced by a hefty jay. jay was talking to me but my ears where not listening, my mind was just thinking of her, how wonderful it felt to be with her - "take a U turn here" jay was literally shouting in my ears. I jerked and so did the bike with me making jay shouted a little more. finally i managed to make him stop and concentrated back on the road.
i have to tell a truth here that i was missing the tea i had that evening and i was missing her more.
now i am just waiting for my life changing cup of tea.
many a times i feel like i will end up crashing into some vehical some day. when i am riding i have visions of it happening & i am pretty much aware of the risk, but cant help it. its the only way i know to ride & its fun too.
i do believe in taking calculated risks, thats one reason i wont let my bike go out of control , the rest depends on the condition of road and the other factor such as drivers/riders/people crossing road.
there are too many things going in my mind so its hard to put down a clear picture of what i am trying to say here.
a dozen days went by ,but the flavor of the tea still remains. may be there was something in the special tea which the mausi made for us.
last saturday i was on the same road moving towards vasai, but things had changed drastically in just a week. my beautiful and elegant ride partner was replaced by a hefty jay. jay was talking to me but my ears where not listening, my mind was just thinking of her, how wonderful it felt to be with her - "take a U turn here" jay was literally shouting in my ears. I jerked and so did the bike with me making jay shouted a little more. finally i managed to make him stop and concentrated back on the road.
i have to tell a truth here that i was missing the tea i had that evening and i was missing her more.
now i am just waiting for my life changing cup of tea.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
assesing the damages
The one question which has eluded many for centuries, which is still a topic of discussion, the answer to which is been given by many but still new answers keep coming up for it is -
what is love ?
There i was on the given time at the given place. the evening sun was on me and there was no shelter from it. but the heat was not getting to me. at 4 i called her up, there was no response.
again the same thing happned. the sun started beating on me. i waited for about 10 minutes and then i logged into the messanger from cell. her offliners where waiting for me there. the terror revealed it self as i went thru them one by one.
she asked me not to come-but i was already there-the rest was just general stuff, but for the end.
the dreaded words where making me sink then and there.the thought had never occured to me, how can i not contact her again ?
Now the heat was on to me, i looked up into the open sky, there was nothin to see. i looked at the screen read the whole thing again and again , sinking each time deeper and deeper. i left a reply, put the cell back in my pocket and stood there with my self and my lonelyness, watching people passing by, the sun beating up ahead , a clear sky. every time i looked up i tried to find god, may be he can answer. the heart was heavy the eyes where filled but there were no tears. i closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. may be it would have not been that much, if i had not come with the mind to ask her about us. and so the oprotunity was lost, a fall befor i can even stand up. friends are marvelous creation of god. i did the only thing i could, and i called up a freind. it was really nice talking to him, made me feel better. all he was saying was dont worry you just talk to her. there i went like how will i ever get to talk to her ? how ?
and i turned around to find my answer walking towards me.
the most wonderful sight it was to see her smile.
nothin, just nothing had happned to all the pain which was generated a few minutes ago, replaced by euphoria. what happned next was pure esctatic pleasure. by the time she left me i was totally lost in her aura. so deeply in love i am sure to drow. how am i to give test of love when there isnt any test for love. i write here because i know now she is going to read it.
she had warned me about this, but her warning came late. never mind, as lost as i am i will find my way back when i see here there at the end of the path. all the darkness shreded by light, the monster submitted to delight. just few hours with her can do this to me consider what a life time can be.
pleasuer can be found in many a things, i found it when i show her walking down the road with a smile.
what is love ?
There i was on the given time at the given place. the evening sun was on me and there was no shelter from it. but the heat was not getting to me. at 4 i called her up, there was no response.
again the same thing happned. the sun started beating on me. i waited for about 10 minutes and then i logged into the messanger from cell. her offliners where waiting for me there. the terror revealed it self as i went thru them one by one.
she asked me not to come-but i was already there-the rest was just general stuff, but for the end.
the dreaded words where making me sink then and there.the thought had never occured to me, how can i not contact her again ?
Now the heat was on to me, i looked up into the open sky, there was nothin to see. i looked at the screen read the whole thing again and again , sinking each time deeper and deeper. i left a reply, put the cell back in my pocket and stood there with my self and my lonelyness, watching people passing by, the sun beating up ahead , a clear sky. every time i looked up i tried to find god, may be he can answer. the heart was heavy the eyes where filled but there were no tears. i closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. may be it would have not been that much, if i had not come with the mind to ask her about us. and so the oprotunity was lost, a fall befor i can even stand up. friends are marvelous creation of god. i did the only thing i could, and i called up a freind. it was really nice talking to him, made me feel better. all he was saying was dont worry you just talk to her. there i went like how will i ever get to talk to her ? how ?
and i turned around to find my answer walking towards me.
the most wonderful sight it was to see her smile.
nothin, just nothing had happned to all the pain which was generated a few minutes ago, replaced by euphoria. what happned next was pure esctatic pleasure. by the time she left me i was totally lost in her aura. so deeply in love i am sure to drow. how am i to give test of love when there isnt any test for love. i write here because i know now she is going to read it.
she had warned me about this, but her warning came late. never mind, as lost as i am i will find my way back when i see here there at the end of the path. all the darkness shreded by light, the monster submitted to delight. just few hours with her can do this to me consider what a life time can be.
pleasuer can be found in many a things, i found it when i show her walking down the road with a smile.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The begining
when i am with her my mind is at rest, without her it keeps churning out thoughts which i feel like i shoud give them words. by no means i am a writer, nor i have enough experience on any subject to write about. during our college times one of my professor had suggested me and a couple of my friends to write a book to help the students. if then i had taken him seriously, i would have ended up with a book against my name. but just the way i was i didnt do it . now i feel the pinch of it. i was never much into reading , even when i was young all i can remember is phantom, mandrak and luther. that too when i was in a small town in MP. when i returned to mumbai at about 3 life had changed.
i dont know why my father had bought that book, but during some show on TV i herd about it and i checked it out. it was ment to be my first book to be read in many a years. the book was named ' WINGS OF FIRE ' its the autobiograbhy of former indian president APJ Kalam writen by Arun Tiwari. the book was a great work to read, within that book i came across another authors work. i havea book store near my residence. i just entred it to have a look at whats on offering. its always hard for me to pick and choose cause i am not a kind of reader who knows what they are looking for. going through the self one of the name sparked in my brain. it was the same name which i had came across in 'WINGS OF FIRE' . it was Khalil Jibran.
i immediately hold on to it, just the shear size of the book can deter a moderate reader (i am not even a moderate reader) but a force more than me drived me . the truth is over more than thousand pages, i still havnt managed to read the whole book but have tried to read more then 50% of it. just like Main Kampf, of which only part one has been read, part two is yet to be touched. Shantaram was a pleasant surprise for me. without much effort of my own i was able to go through the whole book, a wonderful experience, a journey of life. i am also in love with karla .
enough of books. there are not enough word as there are books and i am just too small to say about the treasure of knowledge held in them. soon i am to begin a journey of my own. something i have found to be common in all the books is the theam of love. i have know it forever it seems how much love is important in life, but still i am to find it. my journey begins here ...befor i can find love , i have to know what it is.
i dont know why my father had bought that book, but during some show on TV i herd about it and i checked it out. it was ment to be my first book to be read in many a years. the book was named ' WINGS OF FIRE ' its the autobiograbhy of former indian president APJ Kalam writen by Arun Tiwari. the book was a great work to read, within that book i came across another authors work. i havea book store near my residence. i just entred it to have a look at whats on offering. its always hard for me to pick and choose cause i am not a kind of reader who knows what they are looking for. going through the self one of the name sparked in my brain. it was the same name which i had came across in 'WINGS OF FIRE' . it was Khalil Jibran.
i immediately hold on to it, just the shear size of the book can deter a moderate reader (i am not even a moderate reader) but a force more than me drived me . the truth is over more than thousand pages, i still havnt managed to read the whole book but have tried to read more then 50% of it. just like Main Kampf, of which only part one has been read, part two is yet to be touched. Shantaram was a pleasant surprise for me. without much effort of my own i was able to go through the whole book, a wonderful experience, a journey of life. i am also in love with karla .
enough of books. there are not enough word as there are books and i am just too small to say about the treasure of knowledge held in them. soon i am to begin a journey of my own. something i have found to be common in all the books is the theam of love. i have know it forever it seems how much love is important in life, but still i am to find it. my journey begins here ...befor i can find love , i have to know what it is.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
In your eyes i see
my world to be
you give me joy
which i as a boy
always had cherished
which had perished
my dream to realise
your face in my closing eyes
just one thought in my mind
to be in your bind
the more we grow near
there is more to fear
if your grip slips on me
what am i to be
how would i find you again
through all that pain
which you have made no more
making me want to be your
true to self i am
but a part of love,
the whole of which
is YOU.
Confession
When i say she is beautiful, the world will agree with me.
Form the word go I have been enchanted by her beauty.
I am attracted towards her as any sane men would if she
was talking to them as she did with me. She seemed totally
in control of herself. She knew what she was doing, she
knows how to drive a man to the wall.
If she has her way, she would make me confess my feelings
for her. It is too early for me to say anything about my feelings
for her, the seed of which has been planted in the nursery of
my heart. In time I said she will know me and I will know
how the plant grows up to be.
I am one of those persons who has been seeking love.
I dont know if I deserve her love or not, but i certainly
need it for this life and the coming life times.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tashan
Some time I do tings as i feel like doing, at that moment i dont think much. may be i should have taken her permission, or atleast told her about it.
but how can i let her know about it , cause ever since - i have been jinxed. yeah , from that days onwards i have been dying to hear her voice, but all in vain so i finally gave up on the idea.
The sunday was getting so much boring so i asked sachin if he will be intrested in watching Tashan ( i had to persuade him by the idea of kareena in a skimpy swim suit) & he readily agreed since he was also pretty much bored as i am. so at around 3:10 pm we entred raghuleela. To our shock (this was the first time i had entred a theater without checking the papers) there was no show of Tashan running there. the list of other available options was also frightening. the decision was made to run out, get a news paper and make it to the movie where ever it was available. 3:20 blood was pulsating through the body, we where going towards borivali station on S.V road , i knew there besides the sai baba nagar petrol pump was a news paper vendor. sachin got the Mid-Day and i immediately pulled out the movies section going through all cinemas where Tashan was running. My eyes lit up when i shaw Tashan show starting as 3:45 running at 24 Carat . I looked at my watch, it was 3:25 and looked at sachin and asked shall we ? we just had 20 minutes befor the show will start so now i was racing against time, the bike was flying , on the ways we did abbuse a few autos, a tanker. the ride was one of my usual stuff , at 3:42 i rode into the basement parking of 24 Carat. It was a mad rush at the ticket counter, still the black marketiers where in boom. Sachin and i decided to stand in different Queues so atleast one of us can get hold of the remaining few tickets. when i reached the window, a realisation was made that all the tickets have been sold out except for one and so i moved towards sachin with a hanging face who was more chirpy than usual with a big grinn and tickets in hand, and it was from the counter it self not the black. i was still confused how on counter they sold out and other was still selling.
any ways the two box tickets took us three flights up, which we ran tha whole ways, missing the elevator due to our time constraints. sachin still had to relieve him self of his bodily fluids so i gave him one ticket and movein in the darkness. lucky i could still catch the titles. soo after sachin also walked in, so that was it - here i am not going to tell u the story-but i will tell you about a scene in the movie when it was running i sank into my seat. it was like this - most of the movie keeps going into flash back and coming back. the scene where young Bacchan Pandey jumps over a tempo , a balcony, a terrace, a rift to talk to young Gudiya. there Gudiya asks bacchan to eat chillies to which bacchan eats them as it were a candy or sweet. At that i was set back in time to the very same moment where i was asked to jump and i did, wear a party cap and i did, this time around i found my self to be doing it all over again. the mind was lost. and again i come back to my senses to realise i had lost that moment. i was sitting in 24 Carat watchin Tashan.
It is a very late realisation which has come to me, if i had jumped love would have saved me.
but how can i let her know about it , cause ever since - i have been jinxed. yeah , from that days onwards i have been dying to hear her voice, but all in vain so i finally gave up on the idea.
The sunday was getting so much boring so i asked sachin if he will be intrested in watching Tashan ( i had to persuade him by the idea of kareena in a skimpy swim suit) & he readily agreed since he was also pretty much bored as i am. so at around 3:10 pm we entred raghuleela. To our shock (this was the first time i had entred a theater without checking the papers) there was no show of Tashan running there. the list of other available options was also frightening. the decision was made to run out, get a news paper and make it to the movie where ever it was available. 3:20 blood was pulsating through the body, we where going towards borivali station on S.V road , i knew there besides the sai baba nagar petrol pump was a news paper vendor. sachin got the Mid-Day and i immediately pulled out the movies section going through all cinemas where Tashan was running. My eyes lit up when i shaw Tashan show starting as 3:45 running at 24 Carat . I looked at my watch, it was 3:25 and looked at sachin and asked shall we ? we just had 20 minutes befor the show will start so now i was racing against time, the bike was flying , on the ways we did abbuse a few autos, a tanker. the ride was one of my usual stuff , at 3:42 i rode into the basement parking of 24 Carat. It was a mad rush at the ticket counter, still the black marketiers where in boom. Sachin and i decided to stand in different Queues so atleast one of us can get hold of the remaining few tickets. when i reached the window, a realisation was made that all the tickets have been sold out except for one and so i moved towards sachin with a hanging face who was more chirpy than usual with a big grinn and tickets in hand, and it was from the counter it self not the black. i was still confused how on counter they sold out and other was still selling.
any ways the two box tickets took us three flights up, which we ran tha whole ways, missing the elevator due to our time constraints. sachin still had to relieve him self of his bodily fluids so i gave him one ticket and movein in the darkness. lucky i could still catch the titles. soo after sachin also walked in, so that was it - here i am not going to tell u the story-but i will tell you about a scene in the movie when it was running i sank into my seat. it was like this - most of the movie keeps going into flash back and coming back. the scene where young Bacchan Pandey jumps over a tempo , a balcony, a terrace, a rift to talk to young Gudiya. there Gudiya asks bacchan to eat chillies to which bacchan eats them as it were a candy or sweet. At that i was set back in time to the very same moment where i was asked to jump and i did, wear a party cap and i did, this time around i found my self to be doing it all over again. the mind was lost. and again i come back to my senses to realise i had lost that moment. i was sitting in 24 Carat watchin Tashan.
It is a very late realisation which has come to me, if i had jumped love would have saved me.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Inspiration
I should change my profession and become a writer , thats what she suggested me. Now how am i to become a writer ?
i am not a writer i never was , but since she is suggesting it i think i will try my hand at writing .
now the question coming to mind is what should i write ? there are lots of options available but i do need to have an inspiration for the kind of writing which moves hearts and minds alike. so this time again i turn to her . i ask her to be my inspiration that she involentarily has become for me.
even though it was too much for me to ask for her - thats what she said - i just want her to be there, her presence in front of me is enough for me to be mesmerized in to an enchanting trance.
and when the trance is broken , when i am set back into reality the words come gushing in as the water would enter an empty tank if it were busted under water . the thought of her makes me so full of her that when it leaves, it leaves a vast emptyness in me allowing me to fill it up by words, words for her - she is my inspiration :)
i am not a writer i never was , but since she is suggesting it i think i will try my hand at writing .
now the question coming to mind is what should i write ? there are lots of options available but i do need to have an inspiration for the kind of writing which moves hearts and minds alike. so this time again i turn to her . i ask her to be my inspiration that she involentarily has become for me.
even though it was too much for me to ask for her - thats what she said - i just want her to be there, her presence in front of me is enough for me to be mesmerized in to an enchanting trance.
and when the trance is broken , when i am set back into reality the words come gushing in as the water would enter an empty tank if it were busted under water . the thought of her makes me so full of her that when it leaves, it leaves a vast emptyness in me allowing me to fill it up by words, words for her - she is my inspiration :)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Passing off things
All this started with the question which was asked to me by niraj -aka eeyore. what have i been ignorant about ?
I have been ignorant to the world around me, to which he said - i am not rude enough to be doing it , and he wanted me to explain the reason for me to be saying all that.
yes it is true i am not rude enough to be ignorant of the world around me. but then this world is not my world at all .
is there some thing wrong with me ? why i am not coming online as i used to come before , am I just so much busy , or is it some thing ?
truth is i have been moving aways from this state of being, which i had come to love and live.
i am a very simple person, also as simple as i may be but i end up complicating things. I smiply love to talk, i love interacting with different peoples. you can say talking is a hobby of mine, and its not about gossips, i like to discuss, have a meaningful chat.
Tania use to complain, i talk a lot, may be one day it was too much for her so she decide to cut me off from her list of friends. for the first time in my life it didnt affect me, then i realised i have changed, I am coming to terms with the new trend of net buddies, as they call them.
i have a lot of net buddies , frnds whom i only know from net , whom i have never met befor , whom i dont know if i will ever meet.
I was raised up by my mother single handedly, cause my father used to stay aways for his job.
from a very young age i have ventured amongst women so their quality of talking has rubbed off into me , thats one reason i dont get tired of talking all day long.
but all this doest answer the question which niraj asked.
may be later i actually will answer it.
for now this will have to do.
I have been ignorant to the world around me, to which he said - i am not rude enough to be doing it , and he wanted me to explain the reason for me to be saying all that.
yes it is true i am not rude enough to be ignorant of the world around me. but then this world is not my world at all .
is there some thing wrong with me ? why i am not coming online as i used to come before , am I just so much busy , or is it some thing ?
truth is i have been moving aways from this state of being, which i had come to love and live.
i am a very simple person, also as simple as i may be but i end up complicating things. I smiply love to talk, i love interacting with different peoples. you can say talking is a hobby of mine, and its not about gossips, i like to discuss, have a meaningful chat.
Tania use to complain, i talk a lot, may be one day it was too much for her so she decide to cut me off from her list of friends. for the first time in my life it didnt affect me, then i realised i have changed, I am coming to terms with the new trend of net buddies, as they call them.
i have a lot of net buddies , frnds whom i only know from net , whom i have never met befor , whom i dont know if i will ever meet.
I was raised up by my mother single handedly, cause my father used to stay aways for his job.
from a very young age i have ventured amongst women so their quality of talking has rubbed off into me , thats one reason i dont get tired of talking all day long.
but all this doest answer the question which niraj asked.
may be later i actually will answer it.
for now this will have to do.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The zing
i wanted to meet her,but every time some thing or other came up. we couldnt meet for about a month after we decided
to meet.one saturday i called her up to meet, but as usual she was busy. without loosing hope i still wanted to meet her ,
even for the shortest time possible. so it was a short meeting on the platform. the 15 minutes or so which i spent with her
went by nothing. i never realised when the train came and she had to leave, as the train left the platform, the trance was
broken and i was back into reality wondering when will i see her again.it took another 10 days until the moment came again.
from the moment i met her to the point where she left me i was in another state of being. I have never been so happy in a long time now. i feel alive again, feels like i can open my arms wide open and hold
this whole world between them. there has always been unpresidented maddness associated with me. true to my nature i am wild.but the savage is also tamed when it faces beauty. if the mind were not in its place, the heart would have yeilded to her commands, i would have jumped down the 12 foot height or wore the party cap throughout the mall. but i finally ended up drinking water.
in her company the pain in my arm vanished, the words on my toungue dried, the thoughts in my mind where at ease.i was feeling the *ZING*.
to meet.one saturday i called her up to meet, but as usual she was busy. without loosing hope i still wanted to meet her ,
even for the shortest time possible. so it was a short meeting on the platform. the 15 minutes or so which i spent with her
went by nothing. i never realised when the train came and she had to leave, as the train left the platform, the trance was
broken and i was back into reality wondering when will i see her again.it took another 10 days until the moment came again.
from the moment i met her to the point where she left me i was in another state of being. I have never been so happy in a long time now. i feel alive again, feels like i can open my arms wide open and hold
this whole world between them. there has always been unpresidented maddness associated with me. true to my nature i am wild.but the savage is also tamed when it faces beauty. if the mind were not in its place, the heart would have yeilded to her commands, i would have jumped down the 12 foot height or wore the party cap throughout the mall. but i finally ended up drinking water.
in her company the pain in my arm vanished, the words on my toungue dried, the thoughts in my mind where at ease.i was feeling the *ZING*.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
life in slow mo
"i did a summersault and landed on my feet, in a continuous motion i also unbuckle my helmet taking it off to see what has just been"
it has just been second day at work, so i have been let off early. i was exhilarated to start working after 5 months of break. i had joined as a junior designer in a chemical machines manufacturing company. my first day was all introduction but from second day on i was already in to designing parts for the machine i was assigned to. the feeling was really good to startup so early into work. i always wanted to do something like this and finally i was on the right path.
being a new joinee work seemed easy. just like the first day, i was let of early from work.
at around 5:30 pm i left the factory to get back home. i had 30km of ride ahead of me and since this was going to be a daily routine for me i had built a mental mind frame to ride it slow, unlike my usual style which is hard and fast. so in just about 2 minutes i was at vasai phata where the road meets national highway number 8. on the highway i started moving towards mumbai maintaining a constant velocity of 55 km/hr. with the evening sun setting the sky had turned orange with a fiery glow. i was tranced in the magnificence of nature. soon i passed chinchoti naka to move on to my first pit stop to fill up some pertol. again i set course for home, still enchanted by environment. 10 minutes into the ride my eyes blackout and i hear a crash, i did a summersault and landed on my feet, in a continuous motion i also unbuckle my helmet taking it off to see what has just been. some thing was still buzzing in my head but i could see my bike laying on the road the engine still running. i walked towards it but my leg refused to heed to my command and i finally stuttred to it. turned off the ignition removed the key. till then a crowd had gathered around which helped me get the bike on stand. only one thing was going in my mind " How" just then someone from the crowed yelled, keep away from the cow or she might hit you again. what ? i just look around to see the beast which had brought me down. there she was mooing , may be taking pleasure in bringing me down , again someone said she hit me to protect her cub , which i never got to see. reality check- i was hit by a cow ,my bike was damaged and i had no idea how bad i was injured, i went to a stall near by to relax a bit and assess the damage to bike and self. there i lay on a bench , slowly all the pain was burning in. i had already known that all my limbs had survived. though my helmet had a horrible scratch , which reminded me if i had not been wearing it then i would have been history and you wouldnt have been reading this. well uptill my first pit stop the helmet was just dangling to my rearview mirror so i feel lucky that i had some sense to wear it for the rest of my journey. back on the bench the first thing which hit me was that i should go and check my bike and if it is working then i should get back home as soon as possible.i tried to get up, but it was all that i could do, so again i tried, this time seeing my effort someone helped me up. i drank water and set off for the bike. people where still accompanyning me, so i managed to stagger all along about 50 yards or so.
most of the front top end was in a mess. headlights, meter totally lost, leg guard , handle where bend backwards but looked managable to ride.i slid in the key and applied the self, my first attempt was a failure but next one surged life into the engine, eureka now i can get back, but the ride was not going to be easy. i was not able to lift my leg enough to get on the bike. people were concerned but i relived them of that too , i just needed some help to get on and set course. and so i did ........
(to be contd)
Sunday, March 2, 2008
life
life in its own has been amazing to me.
i don't know how it happned but yes it has happned, i have fallen for her. i love life very much, so much so that i am not letting it go, no matter how it treats me. after all life is only fair, it only treats us on our merits. it makes the most non biased decisions, it only gives us what we deserve and not what we want, and it all comes in its own due time. we are insignificant to her, so she will not listen to us, she doesn't hear our cry of pain or joy. she has just one goal and that is to propogate throughout this world and world of worlds.
She is the mother of all mothers, we are nothing to her yet every thing to her.
I have heard many people saying life is not fair. when they suffer, they blame it on others. if they cannot find other to blame they will blame it on the situation in which they were put in by life.
we can ourselve run our life or ruine it by our actions and reaction.
every thing good or bad we do comes back to us eventually. its the failsafe mechanism of life which makes sure we do not destroy this planet and emty it of its most beautiful creation called 'life'.
of all the facts and figures and all the understanding , still life came to be on this planet as nothing more then a miracle. those who do not understand it work toward destroyin it, people of god believe life was created by god , people of science belive it started with a chemical reaction. life has given us liberty to belive what we want. but it has not given us liberty to destroy lives. those who go against these simple rule have to suffer by hands of life .
knowing this , i only want to become a better humanbeing, make my self worthy enough to get the best out of what life has to offer because i know she is going test me for my good and my bad.
life is a good teacher, she keeps giving me lessons , she makes me aware of things i was never aware they existed. she is a humbel queen, in joy she will open her treasures, in rage she will unlease her wrath . she is a friend of friend, she is the happiness, the joy , the courage which sits in our heart in time to need , she is everything , every where , in every one of us. simply i love life , invariabbly i love all , and everthing about it, i have just been rendered incapable of hating ,
but still i am a mere human bound by my mortal self, and so every now and then i commit sins for which i will pay.
oh life forgive me , for i am ready for you as i was as i am .
i don't know how it happned but yes it has happned, i have fallen for her. i love life very much, so much so that i am not letting it go, no matter how it treats me. after all life is only fair, it only treats us on our merits. it makes the most non biased decisions, it only gives us what we deserve and not what we want, and it all comes in its own due time. we are insignificant to her, so she will not listen to us, she doesn't hear our cry of pain or joy. she has just one goal and that is to propogate throughout this world and world of worlds.
She is the mother of all mothers, we are nothing to her yet every thing to her.
I have heard many people saying life is not fair. when they suffer, they blame it on others. if they cannot find other to blame they will blame it on the situation in which they were put in by life.
we can ourselve run our life or ruine it by our actions and reaction.
every thing good or bad we do comes back to us eventually. its the failsafe mechanism of life which makes sure we do not destroy this planet and emty it of its most beautiful creation called 'life'.
of all the facts and figures and all the understanding , still life came to be on this planet as nothing more then a miracle. those who do not understand it work toward destroyin it, people of god believe life was created by god , people of science belive it started with a chemical reaction. life has given us liberty to belive what we want. but it has not given us liberty to destroy lives. those who go against these simple rule have to suffer by hands of life .
knowing this , i only want to become a better humanbeing, make my self worthy enough to get the best out of what life has to offer because i know she is going test me for my good and my bad.
life is a good teacher, she keeps giving me lessons , she makes me aware of things i was never aware they existed. she is a humbel queen, in joy she will open her treasures, in rage she will unlease her wrath . she is a friend of friend, she is the happiness, the joy , the courage which sits in our heart in time to need , she is everything , every where , in every one of us. simply i love life , invariabbly i love all , and everthing about it, i have just been rendered incapable of hating ,
but still i am a mere human bound by my mortal self, and so every now and then i commit sins for which i will pay.
oh life forgive me , for i am ready for you as i was as i am .
Monday, February 25, 2008
where the heart desires,
we follow
our dreams
our hopes
our aspirations
our love
the heart has no discrimination,
it only has desire
desire to be with you
the premonition that there can be someone else
who is capable of loving me more
more than my self
has made me euphoric
where do we find love,
love that gives us happiness,
makes us go mad
makes us do thing
which are insanly possible
keeps us awake
changes me in to a child
whos only desire is to be with you
i am what i am
but a pebel on the shore
a boat
at drift
a mountain
a rift
in animate
dark
a hunter
a shark
hungry
for love
my love
it is you
we follow
our dreams
our hopes
our aspirations
our love
the heart has no discrimination,
it only has desire
desire to be with you
the premonition that there can be someone else
who is capable of loving me more
more than my self
has made me euphoric
where do we find love,
love that gives us happiness,
makes us go mad
makes us do thing
which are insanly possible
keeps us awake
changes me in to a child
whos only desire is to be with you
i am what i am
but a pebel on the shore
a boat
at drift
a mountain
a rift
in animate
dark
a hunter
a shark
hungry
for love
my love
it is you
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Death
In our life we are made to believe death to be an enigma.
when I expressed my wish to write something about death , I was asked how I would be doing it since I dont have any experience , I should die first.
so I did .
Ignorant are the people who don't understand the simplicity in the cycle of life and death.
since I am only wanting to write about death here I will keep aside the life.
I am a very simple person, as such i only see simplicity in complexity.
death for me is just end of life.
We live only once , but die more than once, b'cause life is not one, but a whole made of number of parts .
Each time that part of our life dies so do we die with it.
Our childhood, our schoollife, our teenages, our memories, every thing has its own life , and it ends in its own time, bringing death to it and thus to us.....
when I expressed my wish to write something about death , I was asked how I would be doing it since I dont have any experience , I should die first.
so I did .
Ignorant are the people who don't understand the simplicity in the cycle of life and death.
since I am only wanting to write about death here I will keep aside the life.
I am a very simple person, as such i only see simplicity in complexity.
death for me is just end of life.
We live only once , but die more than once, b'cause life is not one, but a whole made of number of parts .
Each time that part of our life dies so do we die with it.
Our childhood, our schoollife, our teenages, our memories, every thing has its own life , and it ends in its own time, bringing death to it and thus to us.....
Sunday, February 17, 2008
wish
I wish you the same
as you wish for me
you wish me one
I will wish you three
So, wish me some thing really nice
like i could be skeing on lunar ice
drinking hot coffee on top of everest
where all my worries come to a rest
I could fly on my own
then I could be all alone .
If this is what you wish for me
and wishes are for free so I will-
wish you three
as you wish for me
you wish me one
I will wish you three
So, wish me some thing really nice
like i could be skeing on lunar ice
drinking hot coffee on top of everest
where all my worries come to a rest
I could fly on my own
then I could be all alone .
If this is what you wish for me
and wishes are for free so I will-
wish you three
fly
I wish to fly so do all,
but today is not my call.
Some day may be I will fly,
when my plans strat to imply.
Unitl then I must wait,
till the fish gets the bait.
One day when i will grow my wings,
I will be in action and i will swing,
Then I will fly to the sun ,
until my wing's burn.
To the ground i will fall
Untill and again comes my call.
friend
you are a friend, one would like.
you are a rose in the bed of spike.
you are gentle you are nice.
like walking in desert and finding ice.
you are tough you are smart.
like Monalisha tha work of art.
you are dashing you are cool
this are just words don't be fool.
:P
you are a rose in the bed of spike.
you are gentle you are nice.
like walking in desert and finding ice.
you are tough you are smart.
like Monalisha tha work of art.
you are dashing you are cool
this are just words don't be fool.
:P
First Step
this is a step I have taken.
from a very long sleep i have woken
I need wisdom I need sight
here comes day, bye bye night-
until you come back again
I will be out of my pain.
the morning is soft it is sweet
bye bye my worries, lets never meet
I have started writing
it is better than fighting
what I write is rubbish
because i am foolish
I don't want to cry
it is better to try
I am now moving ahead
this is my First Step
from a very long sleep i have woken
I need wisdom I need sight
here comes day, bye bye night-
until you come back again
I will be out of my pain.
the morning is soft it is sweet
bye bye my worries, lets never meet
I have started writing
it is better than fighting
what I write is rubbish
because i am foolish
I don't want to cry
it is better to try
I am now moving ahead
this is my First Step
Saturday, February 16, 2008
now dat i have been left alone by her, here i am back again..
so i am suppose to write something for her
but i dont know what to write .
who is her ?
she is the shadow of my imagination
she is a part of me which i dont know existed until i met her , she is very special to me .she is the one who doesnt want me to be but just lets me be myself with her .she will argue she will fight
she will demand , she will do all that and more, she will just make me suffer but in the end she is the one who loves me and her love is enough for me to bare it all .
what is love ?
some would say love is suffering and many would agree.
only for this reason people think love to be bad cause it makes us suffer. Its is really ignorant to think of love this way. True that it makes us suffer but it also makes us strong. Suffering is just a part of life, part of growing up, making a place for yourself. For those who are afraid to suffer, perish just like that as the castle made of sand in a gust of wind blowing it away. Nothing is for ever not even love & so there is heart break.
love as i put it just a name given to a very entwined relationship between two individuals who are part of that relationship by choice. every time every thing is not in accordance with us. when this happens we need to adjust ourselves according to the situation, yes ther has to be compromise between both the parties, And if this doesn't happen then there is a fallout.
The relationship suffers, hearts break. Its ego that doesnt allow us to make the necessary adjustments so we ourself are to blame for it . so if it is our own doing why dont we stop it ? why do we let our self suffer . The truth is subconsciously we are traind to suffer from the very moment of our birth. The mother who gives birth know how much she had to suffer, but the joy of being a mother has made the suffering insignificant.
All the pain and all the suffering we go through is just for that moment of joy tha moment of glory in some cases which doesnt even last more then a second or so. but we all are willing to endure it ..
cause we all are in love, cause we all know how to love , cause we love to be loved ..
love is just love nothing else..
I would suffer a thousand lives for tha one moment of glory ..one joy ..enough for a life time ..
so i am suppose to write something for her
but i dont know what to write .
who is her ?
she is the shadow of my imagination
she is a part of me which i dont know existed until i met her , she is very special to me .she is the one who doesnt want me to be but just lets me be myself with her .she will argue she will fight
she will demand , she will do all that and more, she will just make me suffer but in the end she is the one who loves me and her love is enough for me to bare it all .
what is love ?
some would say love is suffering and many would agree.
only for this reason people think love to be bad cause it makes us suffer. Its is really ignorant to think of love this way. True that it makes us suffer but it also makes us strong. Suffering is just a part of life, part of growing up, making a place for yourself. For those who are afraid to suffer, perish just like that as the castle made of sand in a gust of wind blowing it away. Nothing is for ever not even love & so there is heart break.
love as i put it just a name given to a very entwined relationship between two individuals who are part of that relationship by choice. every time every thing is not in accordance with us. when this happens we need to adjust ourselves according to the situation, yes ther has to be compromise between both the parties, And if this doesn't happen then there is a fallout.
The relationship suffers, hearts break. Its ego that doesnt allow us to make the necessary adjustments so we ourself are to blame for it . so if it is our own doing why dont we stop it ? why do we let our self suffer . The truth is subconsciously we are traind to suffer from the very moment of our birth. The mother who gives birth know how much she had to suffer, but the joy of being a mother has made the suffering insignificant.
All the pain and all the suffering we go through is just for that moment of joy tha moment of glory in some cases which doesnt even last more then a second or so. but we all are willing to endure it ..
cause we all are in love, cause we all know how to love , cause we love to be loved ..
love is just love nothing else..
I would suffer a thousand lives for tha one moment of glory ..one joy ..enough for a life time ..
some day..
Some day you will realize,
When you will open your eyes,
I may be a fool, I may be crazy.
But your knowledge, about me is still hazy.
You may be clever, you may be smart,
Wait until your life starts.
You are confident, no doubt
It does not matter if I am out
I will get together and come back
Like a weasel fighting a snake
I am a survivor, I am a fighter
I am a thinker, now I am a writer
Writing is the best thing I could have done
Reading my thoughts gives me fun
Still something is missing, something is gone.
Being with all my friends I still feel alone.
I really wish we all could be one
Then you think what life would be fun.
When you will open your eyes,
I may be a fool, I may be crazy.
But your knowledge, about me is still hazy.
You may be clever, you may be smart,
Wait until your life starts.
You are confident, no doubt
It does not matter if I am out
I will get together and come back
Like a weasel fighting a snake
I am a survivor, I am a fighter
I am a thinker, now I am a writer
Writing is the best thing I could have done
Reading my thoughts gives me fun
Still something is missing, something is gone.
Being with all my friends I still feel alone.
I really wish we all could be one
Then you think what life would be fun.
why i love you so
"Why I love you so"
I will be, will be always crazy,
Spontaneous, surprising, deliberate, hazy
Mysteries of mind,
Conditions of heart,
Tears of eyes,
Essence of life,
The reason for which
May never be known
For who ever tried is
Only lost to the cause
Of the great cause for
It is to remain
A very big question ?
Yes why, why I love you so
For, I may never know
For I tried to reason
By my mind, a treason
By heart left me low.
Yet here I am,
Staggering, tiresome slow,
With questions, answers
To which I don’t know.
And the quest is not
To get the ease
But to gain the pain
And make you please.
For I also know,
In nooks and corners,
There I saw
Light in your heart
Keeping you varied
Of danger to start
A fire which will
Not be sustained, for
Fate tries to kill
The flames of love,
So we need it to grow
By this slow
Process, make it pass
The test of time, for my
Love, love isn’t love
Just for wanting and
Belonging, but for
Sacrifice and selflessness
Is love, what it is
The expression of life
For it holds the beauty
That makes life beautiful
Which you made for me
And now you know
Why I love you so
For where there is faith
There is no room for reason
But to the doubt in your mind
For which you, let there be
No doubt, for mere words are
Not a proof, but the proof will be
Given by sands of time, in
Time when the moment arrives
Then you will come to know
"Why I love you so"
I will be, will be always crazy,
Spontaneous, surprising, deliberate, hazy
Mysteries of mind,
Conditions of heart,
Tears of eyes,
Essence of life,
The reason for which
May never be known
For who ever tried is
Only lost to the cause
Of the great cause for
It is to remain
A very big question ?
Yes why, why I love you so
For, I may never know
For I tried to reason
By my mind, a treason
By heart left me low.
Yet here I am,
Staggering, tiresome slow,
With questions, answers
To which I don’t know.
And the quest is not
To get the ease
But to gain the pain
And make you please.
For I also know,
In nooks and corners,
There I saw
Light in your heart
Keeping you varied
Of danger to start
A fire which will
Not be sustained, for
Fate tries to kill
The flames of love,
So we need it to grow
By this slow
Process, make it pass
The test of time, for my
Love, love isn’t love
Just for wanting and
Belonging, but for
Sacrifice and selflessness
Is love, what it is
The expression of life
For it holds the beauty
That makes life beautiful
Which you made for me
And now you know
Why I love you so
For where there is faith
There is no room for reason
But to the doubt in your mind
For which you, let there be
No doubt, for mere words are
Not a proof, but the proof will be
Given by sands of time, in
Time when the moment arrives
Then you will come to know
"Why I love you so"
imperfection personified
I am just like 'This' .
how much meaning can one word hold ?
what is this ?
This is utter stupidity
This is maddness
This is a lie
This is nogood
This is having fun
This is life
This is love
This is god
This is .. well i can go on and on but there wuld be no end to the list..
just dat This is how I am.
blha blha ..
[to be contd]
how much meaning can one word hold ?
what is this ?
This is utter stupidity
This is maddness
This is a lie
This is nogood
This is having fun
This is life
This is love
This is god
This is .. well i can go on and on but there wuld be no end to the list..
just dat This is how I am.
blha blha ..
[to be contd]
Sunday, February 3, 2008
my dream a nightmare
I have woken up to realise I was dreaming. It was so real , and at that very moment when I was about to crash in the hard concrete floor & end every thing ; I wake up to the reality.
Now I am trying to recollect my dream which is very vauge, so what was it ?
It seemed like the very place I have been born into , but it was different . every one i knew , every thing i knew was all there but it was all odd.
All was made up, made up all to my liking , all to my wish, all in accordance to me .
Every thing is suppose to be great, its a perfect world for me;
So is it perfect ?
Sure you must think it has to be perfect ,but if it was so perfect then why did i have to take that step , that leap which sent me free falling to the conctere below, made me want to end everything .
And yes it did end , not the way i wanted it to be , it has left a mark on me
So it ended by my attempt to end my life so shuld i still call it a dream or was it a nightmare..
Now I am trying to recollect my dream which is very vauge, so what was it ?
It seemed like the very place I have been born into , but it was different . every one i knew , every thing i knew was all there but it was all odd.
All was made up, made up all to my liking , all to my wish, all in accordance to me .
Every thing is suppose to be great, its a perfect world for me;
So is it perfect ?
Sure you must think it has to be perfect ,but if it was so perfect then why did i have to take that step , that leap which sent me free falling to the conctere below, made me want to end everything .
And yes it did end , not the way i wanted it to be , it has left a mark on me
So it ended by my attempt to end my life so shuld i still call it a dream or was it a nightmare..
this is my first post
the start is always the toughest, the rest is all smooth sailing, but ever considered why it is so ?
for me this is going to be a learning experience. there is always a first time for some thing like this is the first time for me as a blogger, after which it want be the same. to all my blogger friends i want to extend my hand and open my mind to ideas , for you are the ones who will be enriching me with new ideas , make me grow .
over year i have found that my mind has been full of rubbish, now here is a place to dump the garbage in clear out the cobb web .
for me this is going to be a learning experience. there is always a first time for some thing like this is the first time for me as a blogger, after which it want be the same. to all my blogger friends i want to extend my hand and open my mind to ideas , for you are the ones who will be enriching me with new ideas , make me grow .
over year i have found that my mind has been full of rubbish, now here is a place to dump the garbage in clear out the cobb web .
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