My letters to Pam - Day2 of 10

Today you would have received  the basic phone. If planned on using it then you will be cut off from the social media communication channels. I hope people don't end up calling you. I won't. The call I made at night was as much for you as it was for me. You would have noticed that I hardly spoke. I had no option but to call when you said "please talk"
I cannot be harsh with you. I like to do what you ask me to do. I try to do as much as I can. But let us also focus on your studies. Its only 9 days left for you. So roll up your sleeve, put your head down and clear this exam. Just focus on this. Don't be distracted by all the people. Don't fall in the trap of opportunities. They will come, trust me they will. But for now this SSC tier 2 exam is what you need to be focused on. Just like I am focusing on you.

Figurines were good distraction. I will try and get you someday. But for the next 9 days just focus on one thing. Think of this as the most important think in life. I am sorry if I am sounding stupid. I am just afraid that you get distracted too easily. I just want to be there for you, with you.

I hope you understand. Well thats enough for the start of the day.. I will update at the end of the day.. bye for now... Study

Oh God...

You know how to up the ante..  seriously I am having difficulty controlling myself.

Thanks!! You are very wonderful and amazing.. and "you're so cute"

I hate to be the grinch..

My letters to Pam - Day1 of 10

Today you said you dont want to talk to me for the next 10 days.

Post that I have been silent. We have still been conversing by means of smileys  but I haven't used any words. 

From what I understand you have an exam in 10 days. You need to really prepare for it. All I am doing is proving to be a distraction to you. I want to help you in anyways I can. So instead of talking I am just going to write out here. I hope you don't mind. Also I will try to be discrete so no personal details are posted. So you should not mind.

Today was okay for me. Being the first day it was a bit difficult to control myself. But I think I did good.  sorry if this seem extreme to you. I know you do expect me to talk. I know you will not mind if I talked. But I think I will wait for 10 day.  These days will pass just like that. I am willing to take that pain and I hope you will also take the pain to study.

I know you have bigger plans. I did prove to be a distraction by sharing some details today. I shouldn't have done that. I am sorry for that. Though I have figured out what you can do for a year. That we can talk after 10 days.

The painting came out good. I like it.

I took the IQ test and scored a 129. I bettered by previous score by 2 points. Though if I had made it to 132 then they would have have made me a member of mensa.

You are very lucky. Glad they are safe. No matter how old we grow but we still need them. I am saying out of my personal experience. Keeping all my difference aside I still look forward to dad.

And I am not angry or offended. My trust in him is by my trust in you. So if you trust him then I do to. Based on that I was neither offended or angry.

You can continue sharing. I am not going to talk till you are done with exams.

I will continue writing here. I will write as much as I can. But for specific details I will just wait until we talk next.

I hope by now you know how amazing woman you are.

There is so much I want to talk. I hope can remember and keep so much in my mind.

My last parting words... STUDY

A letter to Pam

I find myself between "no where" and "now here"

My journey began from no where and finally I have reached here.

Here is where I have hope.

Hope to find true love.

She make me believe she exists. She angers me. She provokes me. She encourages me to explore. She makes me feel insecure. She make me feel safe. She makes me want her. She makes me want her to want me. She is love.

You don't belong to me and so you never will.  So what was never mine will never ever be mine. You can still make me your and keep me your or you can just ignore. For I know that choice is not so simple.  Am I really up for that ? What does it even mean and can a hard egg like me break ?

What makes me so sure about love ? I don't know. Its the peace I get when I am with you, either by means of our conversations or by thoughts. I am not blind nor am I stupid. But I felt this peace since the day I have known you. This feeling was just tingle which over a period of time has become prominent. If sometime spent with you can make me feel so much peace, I wonder how the lifetime would feel. Thats what I am trying to assess. No we have not met. Also our worlds are apart. And then there are other factors to be considered. Nothing of this actually matter for how I feel about you. I am mostly obliged to obey you. And if I find your command to be fair I do. I am sorry that I am being so difficult for you. I  know I am making the choices difficult for you. I  am not the best case for you. I am not even close. I don't know but, my only thought is to be with you and spend my life time with you. I wished it were just so simple. If there were a temple of you then I did be the priest.

You don't love me. I am coming to terms with that idea. Also its very much possible you might fall in love with someone else. I will have to come to terms with that too.

I am just hoping that some miracle happens and you start feeling the love for me the way I do. If that ever happens than I will be overwhelmed. I did have to come to terms with that too.

So basically whatever happens I am not ready. But when it happens I will just have to cope with it and live my life. But you will always have a place in my heart.

And I have nothing but my heart to offer.. no moon.. no stars.. no riches.. no gallant efforts.. or act of war.. I have nothing to offer but everything to want...

From So Low to riding solo

Where to next? Where did you go last?
When is the next ride?

These are the typical questions I get from people around me. These are the people for whom I live a dream. They like to listen to my stories and re-live the moment. They have been facinated by the stories and some of them dream of coming along with me on one such ride.
Last couple of years have been sad. I was not able to take time off work and go on a my kind of ride. Last month When my colleague went on vacation to get married I saw my opportunity. I was desperately waiting for him to return just so that I can plan a vacation of my own. At first was thinking of a three week ride from Mumbai to Nepal and back.  I had my route planned and a rough schedule ready. Unfortunately taking three weeks off is a big challenge if one is not getting married. This was a bit disappointing. Soon enough I had an alternative available to take a week off. A week can be spent amazingly in goa or any such place near by.  Instead I decided to ride 2 days to Varanasi, spend 3 days there and come back. This is going to be fun.

Now Here to No Where

Beyond words I do not speak,
Beyond words is what I seek.
Lost I am as much I wander,
With sky above & road under-
Going miles on my thunder.
Those two wheels I ride,     
my love - it can not hide.    
At loss of words such I am,
Mind is like a puzzle game.
I found myself as I always do,
Lost, wandering without clue.
Hope kept me going on and on,
fabric of reality, all but gone.
Madness in me always there
From now here to No where.

Close call

'People' I really don't understand them. 

As I came out of the turn, my eyes hung up on the bunch of people trying to cross the road.  They were going about their business quite peacefully, totally unaware of what approachs them. For me it was like a wall of people in front of me. At this speed crashing into them did not seem to be a good idea, specially when i was on my bike totally exposed to the elements. At times like this I think of driving around in a tank or may be a hummer. But the idea of the tank amuses me more. Reminds me of the bond movie. Oddly cant seem to remember the name. Could have been 'Golden Eye' or 'Tomorrow never dies'.  Ok doesn't matter, so coming back to the topic. So I just came out of a curve on to the straight with considerable high speed to find myself heading towards a wall of people walking across the road. In split one second my finger jammed on the horn switch. Released the throttle and started applying breaks. Though I was not sure if the distance which remained was enough. I just reacted out of pure reflex. I have got one of those horn which makes really loud noise and that was enough to get attention. The very next moment I see wall burst into many people running for their life. It was such a spontenous reaction. I could see them running. I could see they were just running without any direction. They did not care about where they were going. They just wanted to get out of the way. I got so engrossed in all this that I failed to notice the old man dead center in my line. I was going straight for him. My heart sank. This old man is going to die today and is going to take me along with him. I prepared for the worst and held on for dear life. There are some people in whom the spirit of survival is quite strong. At time people just get lucky. I am not sure if it was him or me who got the gift of life. But it was releaving to see the old mane leaping out of the way just as I passed him. In the same split secong reaction I revved up and split from the scene wihout looking back. Only only thought in mind. How close was that?  "sign"

Escape

Escape is not just a word. It is the word everywhere i see. Everyone just wants to escape. Why is it so necessary now a days to escape. I am trying to escape from myself. This soul of me wants to break this cage of a body and escape in to oblivion.

I just want to take the bike out and keep riding as long as I can. No job, no friends, no family, no conditions, no plan.. Just the machine, myself, some essentials and the roads or the lack of them. And I want a lifetime to do all of this.

Marriage?  I will get married in the next life. I will make it perfect. But with this one I have I should just take off. When and where does not matter. Its only the how which keeps me tied down. Make me think of all that fuel which I will need. How?  All the money I will need. How?
How the hell am I going to afford all that. In my currrent state all I can think of is to work my ass off untill I have saved enough to take off.

One fine day I am going to Escape!!