Lost

I am totally lost in your thought. I believe you are the one person I can be with for the rest of my life without the fear of losing interest. With each passing day my belief is getting stronger and stronger.

But you are right.  You don't feel the same about me. And I totally understand why.
I lack the qualities which you possess. I am a very simple person. I don't understand a lot of thing. I certainly don't understand you in many ways.

But this is my first time when I have met someone like you. Though we have not met in person. After knowing you the way I do, it does not matter that much. Now its just a formality. I hope your prespective about me changes when we meet. And I hope it changes for good. Because if I lose you at this stage of my life then I don't know what I will do. I am even afraid to think of the consequences.

My day and night is you.
My darkness and light is you.
My heart and its beat is you.
My dream and desire is you.
My passion and fire is you.
My sorrows and pleasure is you.
My island and treasure is you.

I am lost without you.

Am I okay ?

Death seems to be the only option to make this pain go away. This felt like a heart attack but eventually turned out to be a heartbreak. I don't know why I am feeling so heartbroken.  Why am I feeling this lose ?

Nothing that drastic has happened between us.  You have been the way you always have been. Nothing seems to have changed for you. But I have fallen into this pit of love. I am just surprised how I ended down here.

If only you had been angry. It wouldn't have been so hard on me. But your cold calmness has left this shrilling effect on me.  You do not realise what power you hold on me. Or maybe you do but are afraid to exercise it. Or simply you do not care about it.  Either ways I am left powerless and helpless.

definitely I am not okay..

My letters to Pam - Day8 of 10

Dear love,

I miss you...

I cut myself from you today.  Now I am a drift.  Please take me back.

My letters to Pam - Day7 of 10

I have missed a day. God what was I doing. This all feels unnecessary. The idea does not hold valid any more. I am the  biggest factor causing this change... I don't know what I am doing. It does not feel right, Nor does it feel wrong.

I know the idea of me being madly in love is kind of hard to digest. I might seem to you like this very crazy person who has lost his senses. It is true... I have lost my mind. Now I am completely driven by my heart.  And my heart only listens to you. It flutter badly when you indicate leaving me. It jumps and skips when you talk about being with someone else. This heart doesn't care if you don't love me. It has a mind of its own. I am sorry if this all seems unreal. I am also clueless to what is happening. My mind is there. It can think but there is no control. Heart is totally on  command. The mind only comes into play if the heart desires.. and it only desires you..

I don't know what to say.. asking you to study for the exam is rendered pointless by my actions. I am sorry love...

My letters to Pam - Day5 of 10

The day started well with you admitting to be able to focus and trying.
That was the only good part. With the passing day you managed to get engage in various conversations keeping your plan to study aside. At some point this was the plan. Maybe I am wrong. Hope you were not completely distracted and managed to get back on track.

I am sorry for saying what I did. Its foolish of me to say such a thing. You are very sensitive. I should be considerate of this fact. 

These series originated because i was not suppose to talk to you for 10 days. But in the last 2-3 days we have been talking like never before. Even though I enjoy talking to you it seems I am the biggest of your distraction.

Please mediate as much as you can. I know it will be very difficult at the beginning. But once you get the hang of it then it will be simple for you. This will also help you master your mind. The day you will master your mind will be the day when you realize your true self. You are really very amazing.  Please stop wasting yourself like this. There are great things which you are to achieve.

Please stay focused.. at this point please study.. please...

My letters to Pam - Day4 of 10

I did not want to write anything today. Not because I am angry or upset. But because I am proving to be a distraction only. I am of no help to you. I am so stupid. Sorry

Anger does good to no one.  But anger is necessary too.  What you need to learn is to control your anger and channelize the energy generated by it into positive, constructive things. I know preaching is easy. I am just a hypocrite. 

We really can't change who we are. But we can always change how we conduct. I totally understand your anger and frustration. You are not free to do somethings which you are so good at. I understand your aspirations. There are a lot of good you want to do. And someday you will.  You are an amazing person with exceptional strength and think ability.  All you need to do is stay focused. Take one thing at a time. Have patience and faith.  Go one step at a time...

Yes ... for now the only thing you should do is Study

My letters to Pam - Day3 of 10

I don't know if I should continue writing these letters after what happened last night. My resolve has been broken. I thought I could go without talking to you for 10 days. I thought you could go 10 days without talking to me. I was so wrong.

Love has made me vulnerable. I can't  think of anything else. I woke up this morning thinking about you. I know you would ask what I was thinking. But there was no specific thought that I could recollect.  I was wondering what you are doing. How much did you study. Did you shit. Whom did you talk with. What you are thinking. What do you want. What do you need. How to make you happy. How to keep you happy. Are you happy with me. Do I make you happy. Can I keep you happy. Can I make you love me. Can I be with you. Can I help you be on your path. What will I do when you will be bored of me. What will I do if you hate me. What will I do when you will love someone else. What will I do when you will not want me. What will I do if you leave me.

I am so powerless. I am hopelessly in love with you.. truly madly deeply... 

Please Study

My letters to Pam - Day2 of 10

Today you would have received  the basic phone. If planned on using it then you will be cut off from the social media communication channels. I hope people don't end up calling you. I won't. The call I made at night was as much for you as it was for me. You would have noticed that I hardly spoke. I had no option but to call when you said "please talk"
I cannot be harsh with you. I like to do what you ask me to do. I try to do as much as I can. But let us also focus on your studies. Its only 9 days left for you. So roll up your sleeve, put your head down and clear this exam. Just focus on this. Don't be distracted by all the people. Don't fall in the trap of opportunities. They will come, trust me they will. But for now this SSC tier 2 exam is what you need to be focused on. Just like I am focusing on you.

Figurines were good distraction. I will try and get you someday. But for the next 9 days just focus on one thing. Think of this as the most important think in life. I am sorry if I am sounding stupid. I am just afraid that you get distracted too easily. I just want to be there for you, with you.

I hope you understand. Well thats enough for the start of the day.. I will update at the end of the day.. bye for now... Study

Oh God...

You know how to up the ante..  seriously I am having difficulty controlling myself.

Thanks!! You are very wonderful and amazing.. and "you're so cute"

I hate to be the grinch..

A letter to Pam

I find myself between "no where" and "now here"

My journey began from no where and finally I have reached here.

Here is where I have hope.

Hope to find true love.

She make me believe she exists. She angers me. She provokes me. She encourages me to explore. She makes me feel insecure. She make me feel safe. She makes me want her. She makes me want her to want me. She is love.

You don't belong to me and so you never will.  So what was never mine will never ever be mine. You can still make me your and keep me your or you can just ignore. For I know that choice is not so simple.  Am I really up for that ? What does it even mean and can a hard egg like me break ?

What makes me so sure about love ? I don't know. Its the peace I get when I am with you, either by means of our conversations or by thoughts. I am not blind nor am I stupid. But I felt this peace since the day I have known you. This feeling was just tingle which over a period of time has become prominent. If sometime spent with you can make me feel so much peace, I wonder how the lifetime would feel. Thats what I am trying to assess. No we have not met. Also our worlds are apart. And then there are other factors to be considered. Nothing of this actually matter for how I feel about you. I am mostly obliged to obey you. And if I find your command to be fair I do. I am sorry that I am being so difficult for you. I  know I am making the choices difficult for you. I  am not the best case for you. I am not even close. I don't know but, my only thought is to be with you and spend my life time with you. I wished it were just so simple. If there were a temple of you then I did be the priest.

You don't love me. I am coming to terms with that idea. Also its very much possible you might fall in love with someone else. I will have to come to terms with that too.

I am just hoping that some miracle happens and you start feeling the love for me the way I do. If that ever happens than I will be overwhelmed. I did have to come to terms with that too.

So basically whatever happens I am not ready. But when it happens I will just have to cope with it and live my life. But you will always have a place in my heart.

And I have nothing but my heart to offer.. no moon.. no stars.. no riches.. no gallant efforts.. or act of war.. I have nothing to offer but everything to want...