My letters to Pam - Day4 of 10

I did not want to write anything today. Not because I am angry or upset. But because I am proving to be a distraction only. I am of no help to you. I am so stupid. Sorry

Anger does good to no one.  But anger is necessary too.  What you need to learn is to control your anger and channelize the energy generated by it into positive, constructive things. I know preaching is easy. I am just a hypocrite. 

We really can't change who we are. But we can always change how we conduct. I totally understand your anger and frustration. You are not free to do somethings which you are so good at. I understand your aspirations. There are a lot of good you want to do. And someday you will.  You are an amazing person with exceptional strength and think ability.  All you need to do is stay focused. Take one thing at a time. Have patience and faith.  Go one step at a time...

Yes ... for now the only thing you should do is Study

My letters to Pam - Day3 of 10

I don't know if I should continue writing these letters after what happened last night. My resolve has been broken. I thought I could go without talking to you for 10 days. I thought you could go 10 days without talking to me. I was so wrong.

Love has made me vulnerable. I can't  think of anything else. I woke up this morning thinking about you. I know you would ask what I was thinking. But there was no specific thought that I could recollect.  I was wondering what you are doing. How much did you study. Did you shit. Whom did you talk with. What you are thinking. What do you want. What do you need. How to make you happy. How to keep you happy. Are you happy with me. Do I make you happy. Can I keep you happy. Can I make you love me. Can I be with you. Can I help you be on your path. What will I do when you will be bored of me. What will I do if you hate me. What will I do when you will love someone else. What will I do when you will not want me. What will I do if you leave me.

I am so powerless. I am hopelessly in love with you.. truly madly deeply... 

Please Study

Hope of hope

Darkness please consume me. I come in peace.

My letters to Pam - Day2 of 10

Today you would have received  the basic phone. If planned on using it then you will be cut off from the social media communication channels. I hope people don't end up calling you. I won't. The call I made at night was as much for you as it was for me. You would have noticed that I hardly spoke. I had no option but to call when you said "please talk"
I cannot be harsh with you. I like to do what you ask me to do. I try to do as much as I can. But let us also focus on your studies. Its only 9 days left for you. So roll up your sleeve, put your head down and clear this exam. Just focus on this. Don't be distracted by all the people. Don't fall in the trap of opportunities. They will come, trust me they will. But for now this SSC tier 2 exam is what you need to be focused on. Just like I am focusing on you.

Figurines were good distraction. I will try and get you someday. But for the next 9 days just focus on one thing. Think of this as the most important think in life. I am sorry if I am sounding stupid. I am just afraid that you get distracted too easily. I just want to be there for you, with you.

I hope you understand. Well thats enough for the start of the day.. I will update at the end of the day.. bye for now... Study

Oh God...

You know how to up the ante..  seriously I am having difficulty controlling myself.

Thanks!! You are very wonderful and amazing.. and "you're so cute"

I hate to be the grinch..

My letters to Pam - Day1 of 10

Today you said you dont want to talk to me for the next 10 days.

Post that I have been silent. We have still been conversing by means of smileys  but I haven't used any words. 

From what I understand you have an exam in 10 days. You need to really prepare for it. All I am doing is proving to be a distraction to you. I want to help you in anyways I can. So instead of talking I am just going to write out here. I hope you don't mind. Also I will try to be discrete so no personal details are posted. So you should not mind.

Today was okay for me. Being the first day it was a bit difficult to control myself. But I think I did good.  sorry if this seem extreme to you. I know you do expect me to talk. I know you will not mind if I talked. But I think I will wait for 10 day.  These days will pass just like that. I am willing to take that pain and I hope you will also take the pain to study.

I know you have bigger plans. I did prove to be a distraction by sharing some details today. I shouldn't have done that. I am sorry for that. Though I have figured out what you can do for a year. That we can talk after 10 days.

The painting came out good. I like it.

I took the IQ test and scored a 129. I bettered by previous score by 2 points. Though if I had made it to 132 then they would have have made me a member of mensa.

You are very lucky. Glad they are safe. No matter how old we grow but we still need them. I am saying out of my personal experience. Keeping all my difference aside I still look forward to dad.

And I am not angry or offended. My trust in him is by my trust in you. So if you trust him then I do to. Based on that I was neither offended or angry.

You can continue sharing. I am not going to talk till you are done with exams.

I will continue writing here. I will write as much as I can. But for specific details I will just wait until we talk next.

I hope by now you know how amazing woman you are.

There is so much I want to talk. I hope can remember and keep so much in my mind.

My last parting words... STUDY

A letter to Pam

I find myself between "no where" and "now here"

My journey began from no where and finally I have reached here.

Here is where I have hope.

Hope to find true love.

She make me believe she exists. She angers me. She provokes me. She encourages me to explore. She makes me feel insecure. She make me feel safe. She makes me want her. She makes me want her to want me. She is love.

You don't belong to me and so you never will.  So what was never mine will never ever be mine. You can still make me your and keep me your or you can just ignore. For I know that choice is not so simple.  Am I really up for that ? What does it even mean and can a hard egg like me break ?

What makes me so sure about love ? I don't know. Its the peace I get when I am with you, either by means of our conversations or by thoughts. I am not blind nor am I stupid. But I felt this peace since the day I have known you. This feeling was just tingle which over a period of time has become prominent. If sometime spent with you can make me feel so much peace, I wonder how the lifetime would feel. Thats what I am trying to assess. No we have not met. Also our worlds are apart. And then there are other factors to be considered. Nothing of this actually matter for how I feel about you. I am mostly obliged to obey you. And if I find your command to be fair I do. I am sorry that I am being so difficult for you. I  know I am making the choices difficult for you. I  am not the best case for you. I am not even close. I don't know but, my only thought is to be with you and spend my life time with you. I wished it were just so simple. If there were a temple of you then I did be the priest.

You don't love me. I am coming to terms with that idea. Also its very much possible you might fall in love with someone else. I will have to come to terms with that too.

I am just hoping that some miracle happens and you start feeling the love for me the way I do. If that ever happens than I will be overwhelmed. I did have to come to terms with that too.

So basically whatever happens I am not ready. But when it happens I will just have to cope with it and live my life. But you will always have a place in my heart.

And I have nothing but my heart to offer.. no moon.. no stars.. no riches.. no gallant efforts.. or act of war.. I have nothing to offer but everything to want...

From So Low to riding solo

Where to next? Where did you go last?
When is the next ride?

These are the typical questions I get from people around me. These are the people for whom I live a dream. They like to listen to my stories and re-live the moment. They have been facinated by the stories and some of them dream of coming along with me on one such ride.
Last couple of years have been sad. I was not able to take time off work and go on a my kind of ride. Last month When my colleague went on vacation to get married I saw my opportunity. I was desperately waiting for him to return just so that I can plan a vacation of my own. At first was thinking of a three week ride from Mumbai to Nepal and back.  I had my route planned and a rough schedule ready. Unfortunately taking three weeks off is a big challenge if one is not getting married. This was a bit disappointing. Soon enough I had an alternative available to take a week off. A week can be spent amazingly in goa or any such place near by.  Instead I decided to ride 2 days to Varanasi, spend 3 days there and come back. This is going to be fun.