Am I okay ?

Death seems to be the only option to make this pain go away. This felt like a heart attack but eventually turned out to be a heartbreak. I don't know why I am feeling so heartbroken.  Why am I feeling this lose ?

Nothing that drastic has happened between us.  You have been the way you always have been. Nothing seems to have changed for you. But I have fallen into this pit of love. I am just surprised how I ended down here.

If only you had been angry. It wouldn't have been so hard on me. But your cold calmness has left this shrilling effect on me.  You do not realise what power you hold on me. Or maybe you do but are afraid to exercise it. Or simply you do not care about it.  Either ways I am left powerless and helpless.

definitely I am not okay..

My letters to Pam - Day8 of 10

Dear love,

I miss you...

I cut myself from you today.  Now I am a drift.  Please take me back.

My letters to Pam - Day7 of 10

I have missed a day. God what was I doing. This all feels unnecessary. The idea does not hold valid any more. I am the  biggest factor causing this change... I don't know what I am doing. It does not feel right, Nor does it feel wrong.

I know the idea of me being madly in love is kind of hard to digest. I might seem to you like this very crazy person who has lost his senses. It is true... I have lost my mind. Now I am completely driven by my heart.  And my heart only listens to you. It flutter badly when you indicate leaving me. It jumps and skips when you talk about being with someone else. This heart doesn't care if you don't love me. It has a mind of its own. I am sorry if this all seems unreal. I am also clueless to what is happening. My mind is there. It can think but there is no control. Heart is totally on  command. The mind only comes into play if the heart desires.. and it only desires you..

I don't know what to say.. asking you to study for the exam is rendered pointless by my actions. I am sorry love...

My letters to Pam - Day5 of 10

The day started well with you admitting to be able to focus and trying.
That was the only good part. With the passing day you managed to get engage in various conversations keeping your plan to study aside. At some point this was the plan. Maybe I am wrong. Hope you were not completely distracted and managed to get back on track.

I am sorry for saying what I did. Its foolish of me to say such a thing. You are very sensitive. I should be considerate of this fact. 

These series originated because i was not suppose to talk to you for 10 days. But in the last 2-3 days we have been talking like never before. Even though I enjoy talking to you it seems I am the biggest of your distraction.

Please mediate as much as you can. I know it will be very difficult at the beginning. But once you get the hang of it then it will be simple for you. This will also help you master your mind. The day you will master your mind will be the day when you realize your true self. You are really very amazing.  Please stop wasting yourself like this. There are great things which you are to achieve.

Please stay focused.. at this point please study.. please...

My letters to Pam - Day4 of 10

I did not want to write anything today. Not because I am angry or upset. But because I am proving to be a distraction only. I am of no help to you. I am so stupid. Sorry

Anger does good to no one.  But anger is necessary too.  What you need to learn is to control your anger and channelize the energy generated by it into positive, constructive things. I know preaching is easy. I am just a hypocrite. 

We really can't change who we are. But we can always change how we conduct. I totally understand your anger and frustration. You are not free to do somethings which you are so good at. I understand your aspirations. There are a lot of good you want to do. And someday you will.  You are an amazing person with exceptional strength and think ability.  All you need to do is stay focused. Take one thing at a time. Have patience and faith.  Go one step at a time...

Yes ... for now the only thing you should do is Study

My letters to Pam - Day3 of 10

I don't know if I should continue writing these letters after what happened last night. My resolve has been broken. I thought I could go without talking to you for 10 days. I thought you could go 10 days without talking to me. I was so wrong.

Love has made me vulnerable. I can't  think of anything else. I woke up this morning thinking about you. I know you would ask what I was thinking. But there was no specific thought that I could recollect.  I was wondering what you are doing. How much did you study. Did you shit. Whom did you talk with. What you are thinking. What do you want. What do you need. How to make you happy. How to keep you happy. Are you happy with me. Do I make you happy. Can I keep you happy. Can I make you love me. Can I be with you. Can I help you be on your path. What will I do when you will be bored of me. What will I do if you hate me. What will I do when you will love someone else. What will I do when you will not want me. What will I do if you leave me.

I am so powerless. I am hopelessly in love with you.. truly madly deeply... 

Please Study

Hope of hope

Darkness please consume me. I come in peace.