Food for thought

Weekends are always slow to start. I like to stay in bed as long as I can. I usually never have any plans. generally I am always alone. Whatever I am doing I mostly do it alone. I moved to Bangalore just to avoid everyone back home. there everyone has someone, except me. But in all honesty the problem lies with me. It is me who is overthinking and making a normal situation weird. 

You are an unexpected variable.with whatever you have told me about yourself, I should be afraid of you. You are rich, powerful and privileged. But you are also young, energetic & curious about me. You are your own person. You are pursuing your career and you have your own ambition. You want to live and not just live but you want to be alive. You want to be loved and you want to love. 

And now I am overthinking "about us" and I know you do to. 

Anyways here is the picture of the roti sabji I cooked today. i am a really damn cook.I love my cooking.

And now I back to this song -

"गुजर तोह जाएगी तेरे बगैर भी लेकिन...

बोहोत उदास बहुत बेकरार गुजरेगी"

https://youtu.be/S-EmrosJbB0?si=lYuY8ufdGDkgw_yB

TGIF

Good morning!

The cycle from my sleep cycle has gone missing. not sure if it is love or work or both or something which I haven't considered yet.

one more day has gone by.each passing day makes me feel I am closer to you.

Knowledge can be liberating and burdening at the same time. Its just like the two sides of a coin.

I took the pause as a sign to allow you space & time to do whatever else you have to do. In the current situation, preparation for your test is important.

I am stupid in general,but also brilliant at some things. Due to this, there is this contradiction. I made the blogposts but decided against sending you an email. My thought was that you would come here on your break and see where I am at. l also thought that you are unable to DM me since my account is blocked. 

You proved me wrong again, the same way you have been proving me wrong for a while now. What else can I say ? If loving you are wrong then I want to be wrong.

Bye

 

20/11

My Dear beloved

Good morning!

Hope my letter finds you well

It has been about 17 hrs since I directly communicated with you. I am sorry if you have not yet seen my other blogpost. That post is suppsoe to explain my abrupt disappearances. That is my hope, but if not then I fear what might go through your head. I know it will indeed make you feel sad to not to see my dm, neither in the night or in the morning.It is a small thing, but in the past few days I made it a point to wish you good night & good morning - I had a streak going on and now that has broken. It is so easy to equaten & compare all men together. All men are pigs. I am one too, but I am still unique in my own way. 

We are extreme opposites and they attract when it comes to a relationship. That is the only explanation I have for us coming together. You give me hope of a bright future together. But you are also from a very advanced generation. Gen Z people are amazing when compared to millennial peson like me. I being from the first year of my generation have struggled with everything as I have been too much into it. 

I am sorry, I am letting your thoughts run free in my mind. I shouldn't take you so seriously but I still do and here I am making a blog post in the morning. 

Take care & study hard!

If you need me, you know where to find me... 

Love you

और भी है कहने को

कुछ दिन ऐसे भी गुजर कर देख लो

बाते तो रोज होती है, बिना बातों के भी देख लो

मज़ा तो मिलने मै बहुत है, इंतजार कर के भी देख लो

जो आसानी से मिल जाए वह प्यार ही क्या

प्यार मै अगर ना टूटे तो वो दिल ही क्या

महफिल हो अपनो की,

पर तुम न हो तो वोह महफिल ही क्या

ख्वाब सजाए तेरे, पर ये नींद ना आए

याद सताए तेरी मुझे चैन ना आए

तुम ही कह दो मुझे अब हम जाए तो कहां जाए...

Unexpected Pause

Some times you want to do something but you are very indecisive about doing it. Then you are looking for a sign or want someone to force that decision on you. 

Forced decisions are a blessing when the decision is favouring you. In a coin toss there are only two outcomes if you are using a normal coin but this game can be rigged by having a coin with head on both sides. 

"We have email" and I can write to you directly. But I also have a blog where I can write as much as I want leave it up to you some come up here and read it when you are takine break from your studies and wondering where I am at. 

Its funny how I got my reddit account suspended and leaving you without a word. And I am treating this as a blessing in discuise. The timing is just perfect, as you need to go into the deep end of studies with the exams near. 

Please bear with with me as I am on a forced pause.I will be back :)

The duality of mind

Contradictions exist and they exist for a good reason. They create the necessary balance to create harmony. We are extreme opposite of each other and that is what is drawing us towards each other.

 You bring me joy which I have not felt in a long time. You give me hope of finding love.  

And still this mind dives deep into the sea of depression. This sea was creating by accumulating drops of sorrow & pain. But I am not talk about it in "The bottom"

Here I am going to talk about the duality of my mind. How I can be an adult grown man on one hand and on another hand I am this child who is still playing with dolls. 

all eyes tell a story

"Eye are the windown to the soul"

She looked at my eyes and she blurted "OMG you have sad eyes, why?"

I paused.I knew, anything I say will not make any sense to her or me. but I could not ignore her so I said "my eyes are like that only" 

I had an after thought so I added "Me no find love me keep looking" 

Here is where I knew I am done for, a 44 year man talking incomprehensibly like this has obviously lost his mind. Words are the weapon of choice for a wise man and I do like to think I am one. But I have my flaws.

As Elvis said it aptly "Wise man say only fools fall in love..."

At the slightest hint of love I have alway been ready to jump, head first into the abyss - leaving behind all my accumulated wisdom aside. 

By my experience, while I have continued this quest for love for a long time. But during this while all I have found are lost souls. and I am only talking about the phenomenon of internet. 

I know this is wrong, but I still want to do it. Because all I see is hope. the hope to find - true love. Any other kind of love is not wort the effort. 

So indeed I have lost mind and that explains everything. 

P.S. loving you will be my method in madness. I am just giving it another try.