Why am I so comfortable being alone? how can I not crave another human being? what is wrong with you ? why am I like this ?
These are some questions which I ponder upon. These days there isn't much which would surprises or shocks me. That can be attributed to either my fractional autism or my experience with trauma at a young age.
"The Bottom" is my point in life which I believe is the lowest. its been 28 years since that day and I am yet to find any other moment which could even come close to this.
I will go back into my memory and express as much as I can recollect. This is my personal account of events.
On 14-Apr-1998 I woke up late to start watching the India vs Australia final.
I have received the cricket bug from my father. I was just done with my 10th boards and had taken up a vacation job with one of the biggest book store in the town. I had been working for them for about 10 days now. previous day on Monday I had been to work. but today I decided to bunk work just to watch a good game of cricket.
for a while I wondered why my mother had not woken me up for work. She was not aware that I had decided to bunk work. she should have been on top of me to go to work. That moment passed quickly as the match was about to start.
the door bell rang. I was looking at the bedroom door for my mom to come out and open the door. she did not show. the bell rang again and again. This time I got up reluctantly from my bed and lazily walked to the door. I opened and it was Shiela. She is the house help who does dishes and mopping.
I let her in and then went back to me bed. I was still fixated on the screen.
Shiela first went to the kitchen, picked up the broom and walked into the bedroom. the moment she opened the door, she ran back screaming all the way out of the house. I was actually pissed, wondering why she had to create such a ruckus during my match. I again reluctantly got up from the bed and went into the bedroom to check what was the matter.
I look at the sight and turned around. I walked back and told Sheila to call the neighbor. I walked back into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and went back into the bedroom. I quickly got on the bed and cut the rope tied to the ceiling fan and let my mother down.
soon the neighbors came and some one took the knife away from me and then took me to their house. the lady was kind. she was trying to console me. I was still unaware of what was happening. Time seem to have stood still for me. but it was to her and at this moment where I fully committed myself to life. I promised I would never ever take any step to take my own life.
soon a log of people gathered. all neighbors, family was still a long way away. They were all informed and they were on their way. I was brough back to the house. I was told my family is on their way and I need to wait for them to come. so they put a chair just inside the door and made me sit there. My mother was still inside the bedroom, motion less, life less. She was long dead. it was a spectacle. my house was empty. I was sitting just inside my door. I had my head hanging, my eyes to the bottom. but from the corner of my eye I could see - on the left side my mothers dead body and on the right - people peaking a glance to see what happened.
I could see many known faces but not would cross the border of my house. i was there sitting on the edge, waiting all alone. I kept sinking and sinking. memory is blurry. previous night my mother was fine and today she is no more. I am in shock. We had a fight the previous night and for me it was still a routine thing. I would not expect she would take such a step due to that single fight. but the blame was already on me. I was the last person who had seen her alive. I was the second person to find her dead.
I did spare everyone that sight. its only for me and Shiela to know.
Things did not end there, but I will end this chapter here.
