working monday

i am back working at my previous company. well i am quit surprised actually, it has been a 11 months since i have left there. i stoped going to work from 15th july. it was because i was turned off by my manager there. she was one nasty lady. if you ask me, there where two reasons for her to becom the manager. reason 1 being that she had been working with the owner of the company for 20 years or so and the second was that she was also his lay. she had this hell of ego. she was one reason i quit and so did this other fellow, soon after i did. this other fello Mr. KV was also some guy.man he had some crude understanding. i think southindians are born with ego. i have never seen a man stuck to a cell as Mr. KV did. he was a good buddy though. but dont know why, but he was kind of scared or something of the owner of the company. the owner of the company was Mr.P. he was a very lucky man. lucky, hardworking and certainly a business man. he knew how to do business. he could throw his money around. he knew how and he had enoughmoney to throw around. he was the one who interviewed me. he was the only one who could. he promised me a lot of things. he gave me authority in his company. there were many things to be learned from him. but he never much used to visit the factory. he just used to be at his office in town. befor i joined in , he used to come thrice a week to the factory, cause there was no one to handle the work as he did. then i came in and as soon as i was able to manage work on my own, his visit to the factory started reducing. now he would be there twice a month. he used to say to me 'son you work like you are me'. yeah i did feel better working like him and much better better if he did pay me as good. but he prefered to give me his word rather than his money. well i didnt want all his money. just the fair deal , for which i worked. all i was getting was words which kind of turned me off. its not even that i minded working at that pay, the position i had there was good. but the manager, we used to call her ma'am- Mrs SN. now she was the manager for only two reasons i have mentioned earlier. i dont know if she understands 'P' of production. she was (is) one stubburn lady. i didnt like her much more nor did she liked me much. she didnt like me because o used to override her command in the factory. when it came to work, i have a very simple policy, either u you show me the way you want me to work or you let me know what work you want me to do and let me do it my way. Mr.P had given me freedom of doing the work in my way and get it done. so she didnt me at all. but she couldnt do any thing about it. there where times when Mr.P used to flank her for interfearing with my work. but she had ego problem. she was a southindian too and she didnt like me for cutting into her power. we used to have our tussel every now and then. the frequency of our tussel was inversly proportional to the frequency of Mr.P's visit to the factory. so it had to be. i used to ignore her till she just kept insulting me and kept saying sorry. that was kind of a routine. but then she added insult to injury, that really really turned me off, so i went off on my own.

its monday morning and what the hell am i doing here ? i have quit this place 11 months ago, i have to be at GeP. I am having some trouble at GeP but i havnt quit there yet and so i shouldnt be here.it kind of made me scared i was shaken and i woke up. the clock showed 10:15 am, i was still home, my shift starts at 1:30 pm at GeP. so i need not worry. i can still make it to work. it is kind of killing me to start working on monday after i had such a weekend. what happned on weekend was another story , now i have to go and get ready. bye for now

the cell beeped , it was her message-
"you please stop calling me, i dont want to be in touch wit you. your presence is troublin me n when i'l b disturbed, you'l b disturbed, so please avoid."
i replied -
"Dats fair enf :-)
i dont want u to be upset
no trouble from me to you
from now on"

i made it as short and simple as possible. i dont know what was going in my mind. definately i was feeling a bit uneasy at that time.
i sat down with my pen and my dairy kept penning, what ever came to my mind. when she asked me 'you stopped writing your blog ?' I realised i had written some thing that day but never posted it so here it is as i had written it on that day 21 days earlier.
The heart has no mind, so it doesnt think. it only feels.
shakespeare says whats in the name. I would say trouble. that is what comes to mind when my name comes up. i have caused trouble for many people. if i start saying sorry to each one of them, it would eat up a major chunk of my life. but come to think of it , i must hae really caused trouble for my mother for she loved and hated me all the same. with me trouble started with birth. it wasnt the docter who misappropriated the time of my birth, but it was just me who was eager to stay where i was. not willing to be born. so they declared an emergency and cut me out. my mother used to say when they brought me out i was not breathing, the body had turned blue. the docter kept slaping me to make me cry. then it was to the incubator for me- its the same thing where eggs are kept to make chickens hatch out of them, & for the wise ones its a machine, so dont think i was put in a grass basket with a hen over me.
the next occurance of trouble as i was told happned when the nurse under whos care i was got arrested for the crime of child snatching. now, could it be ? she might have swapped me or something. i could never associate myself with both my parents.
anyways its all a part of history, 26 years have gone by and i am living the life i have received.
i prefer a defeat then surrender. she was giving me signs of trouble in the last couple of days. but i wouldnt ask her. i just kept pushing the envelop till finally she asked me to stop. my love story hasn't yet started and its already coming to an end. now it should have mattred to me , hurt me , but i do believe every begining starts with an end.
she said every time she met me there was trouble for her. i would like to tell her every time lovers meet sparks fly.no love story is complete without and finally it i am the one who is getting her in trouble than i will be the one getting her out. may be my timing wasnt right, but the feeling i expressed were true. next time you find trouble coming at you, let me deal with it. i am here to take all your troubles away, not cause them.
i hold nothing against you neither i expect you to have the same feelings as i do. the truth is love cannot be forced, another one is i cannot stop loving you.

tha pain the hurt

"If the pain doesn't kill you, it will make you grow stronger"

You always get pain when you are hurt. Pain is required to heal or You will always keep hurting yourself, causing a greater damage than the pain itself does. There are just so many ways in which a human being can be hurt.

First there is the physical hurt. A bodily injury is easily detected, causes as much pain as it hurts. The cure is as easy as finding the cause. In time the healthy body heals itself. The other types of hurt are more complex in their form & affect on a human being. Of this the first one to come across is-

Hurt of soul:- Our soul gets hurt when our trust is broke, when our heart is broken, when we come face to face with treachery. If undetected this can eat up a person from inside causing a slow everlasting pain. The slower the pain sets in the slower it is cured.

Hurt of mind:- Usually with excruciating pain the hurt of soul is followed by the hurt of mind, where the state of sanity is lost. Here even though there is pain but its awareness is reduced by the state of mind. It can also be caused due to some shock, a bodily injury, bad news, etc.

Social hurt:- It happens when you lose respect, your position in the society you live. It can be caused by public humiliation. It takes ages to earn respect but it can all be lost in an instant. Social hurt can have a negative impact on the individual. It can collectively hurt a persons mind and soul, eventually driving the person towards hurting himself physically.

Financial hurt:- In today's money minded world, the financial hurt can easily be identified. It is just one of those things which we bring upon our self. It can really break a person with a weak heart and soul.

IF the source of pain can be traced out then a suitable cure can be nursed for it. Pain can also be identified by the kind of hurt it is caused by. As humans we are born with inbuilt capacity to endure pain. But we constantly need dosage of pain to increase our capacity to endure pain, just as being a vaccinated for a disease. It is essential for human survival, cause death is caused in our body when the pain becomes unbearable. So it is said "If the pain doesn't kill you, it will make you grow stronger". In life many people do not get the opportunity to feel all the kind of pain and live to tell the tale. I feel lucky to have come so far. Every time it seems i cannot take it any more and every time the pain takes me to the brink and gives away, letting me live for the coming round.

"The only thing temporary is pain".

a girl & friend

A man without a woman is like a sea without an island, a solar system without a sun. Without a sun life wouldn't have been perpetuated on earth. The importance of a woman cannot be denied in my life. Yet i am a man without a woman.
They say "Every sucessful man has a woman behind him". A simple statement which is open for people to hold their own meaning.
First- A woman makes a man sucessful
Second- A women is after a sucessful man
I fall in the first catogery. I need my woman to become the man I truely am.

Those who know me personally also know that I don't like to be ordered around & I question the authority. I dont know the reason for it , but she was asking me not to attend her show. Which i was not planning to do knowingly. But she was insisting on it, to an extent where she even threatened to back out of the show. I asked " are you ordering me ?"
"yes i am" she replied. It was some thing I was expecting from her, but wasn't sure when she would be using the authority which i have given her over me. This came as a surprise to me and mind it, it was a pleasant surprise. Just to make sure I questioned her authority " who are you to be ordering me around" As if she was expecting this question , had an answer ready for me "I am a girl & your friend".
Now here is one statement which can mean a world to me or its probabbly nothing. What ever it is, only time can tell & her.
For me I have already played my cards, I want her to be more then just my girlfriend. But for now a Girl & Friend will do.

she says i am a mad man, no one can blame her for that

i just finished reading chetan bhagat's third book 'the three mistakes of my life'.
it was a wonderful read as usual baring a few printing errors. he is a good writer in a way cause his readers can relate to his stories.
every book i have read has made my belief stronger in power of love. its not only through book that i have known love but have seen it work in my every day life. my book reading has developed in the last year or so. but i have always heard stories about love and longing from people.
only those who have know love and lost it can understant the need for it.
men will try and find love from where ever he can. there is noo exception when thousands try to find it in the virtual world.
net is a totally different wolrd with its own sets of rules. people seldom have to pay for breaking these rules. i was not that lucky and i paid the price for it so there are nomore hard feelings.
every time i come online i find many new people. its silly how people play love games here.
after a certain disaster i was getting good at playing the same game. i become a player always ready for girls who thought i was a game. i had devised my own set of rules. while chatting on net there are possibilities the person whom you are chatting with will turn out to be a totally different person in real. the risk is always there , but as you know me whats life without risk.
i only prefer to use one networking site as its enough for me. i have been using orkut for a few years now. its a good place to make friends. i have a few good friends from here. i like its consept of going on to forums, chating there making friends. i dont send random friends request nither post a scrap in others scrap book unless i have known them. i have broken this rules in event where a profile has really grabbed my attention. one such profile of a ms xyz grabbed my attention and i posted a scrap to her to which she never replied. so it happens a lot on orkut and there is nothing extraordinay about it. even on the community i tried chatting with her but all was in vain. soon i forget all about it with other distractions around and they are easy to be found. i eventually stoped going to that community. i had found a new waterhole. my frequency on orkut keeps changing from regular to once a month depending on my mood. on this new community i have made some more friends and a reputation. on this community i get to see the same ms xyz again. the time passes as it does i kept seeing her more and more on the community but i didnt make any attempt to chat. then se disappeared for a while and i also decided to cut down on action. half a year has passed just like that but the day was made special bye her comment on my displayed pic. this was what i had waited for so long, taking this opportunity i started a small conversation with her on the comm, but she vanished in the middle of it. another week passed till i got to chat with her again . soon i entered her scrap book. a few sessions of chat made me realise it was not just her DP which attracted me but her way of thinking also did the trick. the kind of people i find on net makes me sceptical of them at first. the only thing i was thinking was she for real ? can any girl be like her ?

i had to see for myself and for that i had to meet her. so i asked her out once. she refused at the begining but then she gave in to my persuasive technics. even when the decision to meet was taken it was not a cake walk. she kept elluding me, making me wait a couple of time at the said place on time without even showing up.
i wondered to my self what i was doing ? then a week of nothing, no chat. she had vanished and left me wondering. the next time i got her on chat i asked for her contact number , which was immediately given to me without a fuss, which again surprised me. even with the number i restrained my self from calling her. i didnt want to comearound as a desperate guy to her.
the online chatting sessions contunied when ever we met, with abrupt disruptions with either of us getting disconnected. on eve of holy i sent her sms to wish her . upto to this point i was not sure if the number belonged to her, even with the replies. it looked like a big prank being played on me.
one morning i had set course to meet her after a string of sms's a night befor. again dissapoinment stared in my eyes but this time i refused to give up. it didnt matter to me for how long it was but i had to meet her and so she aggreed to meet me on the railway station. i had time till her train arrived. i was so awe struk to see her climb the stair.
this was the first i met her, the second meeting came in another 10 days time. things where getting better and better . the third happned with a jerk but i am glad it did , cause i was able to let her know about my feelings. her only reaction was that she is commited and wouldnt want to meet me again. it kind of broke me but i wasnt going to give up that easy.
now she is single again but still doesnt want to meet me. may be doesnt want me to get any wrong signals from her. she says i am a mad man. she is correct in her statement.

it is true, i dont know what love is. i dont know where to find it ? i just know, during the time i spent with her i felt euphoric and i would like to feel the same way for the rest of my life just. this is my final attempt at love. a failure here and i am going to succumb to my harsh reality.

cup of tea

At high speeds it becomes difficult to control bike if some one or some thing comes in front of you.
many a times i feel like i will end up crashing into some vehical some day. when i am riding i have visions of it happening & i am pretty much aware of the risk, but cant help it. its the only way i know to ride & its fun too.
i do believe in taking calculated risks, thats one reason i wont let my bike go out of control , the rest depends on the condition of road and the other factor such as drivers/riders/people crossing road.
there are too many things going in my mind so its hard to put down a clear picture of what i am trying to say here.
a dozen days went by ,but the flavor of the tea still remains. may be there was something in the special tea which the mausi made for us.
last saturday i was on the same road moving towards vasai, but things had changed drastically in just a week. my beautiful and elegant ride partner was replaced by a hefty jay. jay was talking to me but my ears where not listening, my mind was just thinking of her, how wonderful it felt to be with her - "take a U turn here" jay was literally shouting in my ears. I jerked and so did the bike with me making jay shouted a little more. finally i managed to make him stop and concentrated back on the road.
i have to tell a truth here that i was missing the tea i had that evening and i was missing her more.
now i am just waiting for my life changing cup of tea.

assesing the damages

The one question which has eluded many for centuries, which is still a topic of discussion, the answer to which is been given by many but still new answers keep coming up for it is -
what is love ?
There i was on the given time at the given place. the evening sun was on me and there was no shelter from it. but the heat was not getting to me. at 4 i called her up, there was no response.
again the same thing happned. the sun started beating on me. i waited for about 10 minutes and then i logged into the messanger from cell. her offliners where waiting for me there. the terror revealed it self as i went thru them one by one.
she asked me not to come-but i was already there-the rest was just general stuff, but for the end.
the dreaded words where making me sink then and there.the thought had never occured to me, how can i not contact her again ?
Now the heat was on to me, i looked up into the open sky, there was nothin to see. i looked at the screen read the whole thing again and again , sinking each time deeper and deeper. i left a reply, put the cell back in my pocket and stood there with my self and my lonelyness, watching people passing by, the sun beating up ahead , a clear sky. every time i looked up i tried to find god, may be he can answer. the heart was heavy the eyes where filled but there were no tears. i closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. may be it would have not been that much, if i had not come with the mind to ask her about us. and so the oprotunity was lost, a fall befor i can even stand up. friends are marvelous creation of god. i did the only thing i could, and i called up a freind. it was really nice talking to him, made me feel better. all he was saying was dont worry you just talk to her. there i went like how will i ever get to talk to her ? how ?
and i turned around to find my answer walking towards me.
the most wonderful sight it was to see her smile.
nothin, just nothing had happned to all the pain which was generated a few minutes ago, replaced by euphoria. what happned next was pure esctatic pleasure. by the time she left me i was totally lost in her aura. so deeply in love i am sure to drow. how am i to give test of love when there isnt any test for love. i write here because i know now she is going to read it.
she had warned me about this, but her warning came late. never mind, as lost as i am i will find my way back when i see here there at the end of the path. all the darkness shreded by light, the monster submitted to delight. just few hours with her can do this to me consider what a life time can be.
pleasuer can be found in many a things, i found it when i show her walking down the road with a smile.